The Last Resort....

Cut my life into pieces,

This is my last resort,

Suffocation, no breathing,

Dont give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding...

-------------- Last Resort - Papa Roach

And that was the way it began. Those who don't know what I am talking about, today saw Cassini's Division play at Someplace Else for the last time. The management was quite happy with their decision of not renewing their contract, because who wants to see a bunch of people headbang and mosh and jump off speakers and throw beer bottles around and empty the ashtray over other's head?

No respectable Starry, Classy hotel does.

Today I came back from work early. I had a few things to settle before I headed for the gig. The final one. My friend M told that this would be the last, so I came to pay respect. It was something that I had to do.

It was a cold day in December 2006 when I first heard Cassini's Division play. I was at the place for barely twenty minutes, but I found myself nodding my head to the beat, and when my friend Heathcliffe came back from U.K., I went to rediscover the beat.

And I was hooked from the start, mesmerized, hypnotized by the power that lured me back each time I decided to give up. Fatal Attraction? Yes, perhaps. But somehow, the songs made me feel alive.

Dreary weary bored to death

I'm getting tired of myself

In this bleak suburban hole

Killing my soul

Gotta get away, get away

Find my way out of here

Find that cozy little place, be myself

And dream away the day at night

Disposition saturnine

Dream away my daytime life

Disposition saturnine

---------------Satyr9, Cassini's Division

I told John today... "Fireworks. There should be fireworks today." And they delivered. The world ended with a BOOM, and I was stunned....

Oh my God, the fever! It was a mess, a marvel, a miracle. It began with a little explosion of passion, and then took off from there. The place was jam-packed, all the headbangers near the speakers, and watching as the band took off from one plane and led into realms of surreality... One by one the songs took off... Voivoid, Kryptonite, Caesar, Fake, Smooth Criminal, Higher, Drowning, Story of her life.... The songs flowed.

I was stunned, shattered, weakened, aware. I watched as the show wound down to an end, and then saw Rahul da looking at us... the pride glowing like a glowworm in the night. The lights made his profile stand out sharply, he was magnificent. And what the others could not say, he said it. Music, the Saviour, the soul of beauty, the rhythm of life, the beat of orgiastic, dionysian, uncontrollable, unparalleled beauty that left one with a void, a numbness of utter bliss, where there was nothing, and that was the relief.

And I found someone shed tears because she felt the loss inside her soul; the catharsis, the calm of mind would no longer be found here. She felt the loss, and she felt lost, cast adrift in the storm of life.

And someone else was trying to laugh, to joke, to be herself, and in the end, she gave up and sought comfort in my embrace, too caught up to notice that she did not know me.

And there was someone whose grandmother was dying of cancer, and she was called off to the hospital, and when she came back, it was all over. The show was over.

And someone got hit and bled. But he lived and loved every moment.

And someone was bleeding inside. Bleeding. But he thrived in his misery, and decided to give life another chance.

And someone did not turn up because he realized he could not face the trauma of being left.

And the Jedi watched it all. And he understood, and took care of those who could not look after themselves properly.

All of us... the crowd was all the way with the group, and everyone was caught up in the rhythm, in the beat, in the music that beat against their souls, freeing them, leading them.

In the end, it did'nt matter, despite the pictures taken, and the gig schedule seen. I would miss you people. Because all of you matter. All of you, you know who you are.

And Rahulda, John, Sukantida and Ludoda.

Someplace Else to me was equivalent to Cassini's Division. Now Someplace Else is someplace else. Its a void.

A Knight in the darkness...

There is a Samurai in my acquaintance who is a constant source of love, and aspiration for me.

I am in awe of him.

Sometimes walking down the mossy paths across the narrow bridges inside my being, I suddenly remember that there are fighters who made it, and suckers who did not. Sometimes I have fought, sometimes, I have been sucked in. What always mattered was that I survived. And I am. Surviving.

Its somehow simple once you realize that you can never give up on life. If you do, then it means you have lost yourself, left yourself behind, and given up searching for it. And so you try to find it in death.

WHAT AM I UP TO??

umm job.

JOB.

(job —n. 1 piece of work to be done; task. 2 position in, or piece of, paid employment. 3 colloq. difficult task (had a job to find it). 4 slang crime, esp. a robbery. 5 state of affairs etc. (bad job). —v. (-bb-) 1 do jobs; do piece-work. 2 deal in stocks; buy and sell (stocks or goods). 3 deal corruptly with (a matter).  just the job colloq. exactly what is wanted. make a job (or good job) of do well. on the job colloq. 1 at work. 2 engaged in sexual intercourse. out of a job unemployed. [origin unknown])

Let me review what we have done so far.

Leered at every hunky instructor.... Check.

Played games on our computer (beginner's Minesweeper at 17 seconds... rank one in class, and 0 in Hearts, level 9 in Pacman, and finished board at one go in 9ball, courtesy http://www.techdictionary.com/,).................... DOUBLE Check.

Been to Aquatica on Office tour............... Check

Done Skits and plays...... Check Check

Fed the ducks ..... Check.

Been chased around by ducks and ducklings.... CHECK.

Spent hours and hours in the cafeteria the size of a mall .... yup, check.

Passed our prometric exams ........... Check again

Been to Roxy for an official hangout with people and been hailed up by friends who work at Tantra for free Margheritas ............................. Hic. kCeck.

Am a certified Laptop Technician for world's number one brand in computers............. CHECKMATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wash away the pain....

Come on, dammit!! Heal. Heal me. Heal me.

Motherfucker, heal!! Make me whole again? Where have I healed? Where?

Look, look! It still bleeds here. And here. And here and here and here. They are raw, gaping wounds. Right here. And here.

Look there! Look! There it is. There is the wall. There is the room. There is the silent kingdom you once inherited from your parents. Now you can't even go to sleep in your throne. You close your eyes, and you see nothing. And that is what frightens you.

And I stand here, watching you. I watch you watch me, and I laugh. I laugh at you, I laugh at me. I laugh at us both, because, in the end, we are. We are. And I am.

All the parts of me. They hurt.