The stairs of my house are now studded with memories and visions and dreams.

This is nice.

When you sit silently beside me, and the tension stretches like thick, stringy taffy.

This is nice. 

The Second Wave...

There are those times when you are wading in chest deep water and the first wave hits you on the face, because you forget to duck or jump. Within a few seconds, even before you have time to recover, the second one hits you. And you are thrown back.

Sometimes, we hurt each other, I go first, you follow. Or you go first, I follow. In short, we pierce each other's skin wherever possible.

Not that we are cruel people. No, no, no. We aren't cruel to others.

We are only cruel to the other.

I sing silently when you curse beneath your breath.

You laugh delightedly when I squirm.

And then you tell me tales of your dreams and I am mesmerized by them.

And I tell you... nothing.

I withdraw and run.

It's... appropriate.

And now there is silence between us. Not peace. Just this uncomfortable silence which threatens to eat us up whole.

And still I stare at the phone.

I'm not going away...

Not really. In fact, I am right here.

I am just giving you the time to learn to love me. As I love you.

This post is a combination of a few things. 

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/if-you-forget-me/ 

This poem.

Nostalgia.

Also, hope maybe.

I sometimes treat you, blog, as the dump. I rage, cry, shed tears, scream, laugh, double over, shake, in short, create all the drama I can possibly create, here. It is something I have been born to do, and I will keep on doing it all my life. I am nothing but a channel sometimes, and sometimes I must be strong and defend the gates.

All parts of me.

But who am I, really? 

I still am waiting for something. It is almost like I need a catalyst which is going to give me what I am looking for - However, I still do not know. The spiritual barrier that is standing between me and that other part of me is presently a threat. 

I must cross that.

I wonder...

Do I really write here because I want it to be read? I don't know.

I really don't know anymore.

It started off so long ago, and my entries are half-forgotten... imbecile, unfeeling, superficial little notes to delineate my existence, when that same existence is no longer my concern anymore. I live, still, from one moment to another. Sometimes, an odd refrain returns from a favorite Kishore Kumar song, a cheerful little song which no one but the man who sung it understood how painful, how sad, yet how true every word was.

manzil pe meri nazar
main duniya se bekhabar
beeti baaton pe dhool udata chala

Melancholia. This is perhaps one of those rare moments of maudlin when all I want to do is reach out of my shell and call out, scream out and yell that I am alive. Despite the times when I have been trampled, hurt, shamed, and worse, ignored and belittled, I have lived till now. Till today.

And I am not ashamed of even one single moment of my existence. I have lived, loved, hurt and been hurt.

But I feel that this world is closing around me. As days go by, I find myself retreating behind a cheerful mask, a face that is frozen in its own morbid clownish grin, hiding thousands of days' worth grief, anger, pain and incoherence. I trip around life with all the appearance of a cheerful, headless chicken, and I feel empty inside. As if all that I am is wrung out of me, and poured out somewhere, and I am desperately trying to look for it, from one corner of my existence to another, and failing miserably. I cannot find it.

I hate that. I hate that.

I am supposed to proof myself against incoming adversities. There are things in this universe that does not make sense.  I am supposed to brace myself and stop thinking. But how do I not think?

It is so disconcerting to see the proof of my uncertain life before me.

every day

I push my soul,

I push my mind, body, and every aching bit of me

To go on. Keep on.

Life is very long. 

I now Remember

Why I considered forgiveness a sin. I realized that I hurt like the lesser mortals whose queries I used to solve and whose thoughts I used to touch. I realized I bled, I realized I felt, I realized that ultimately this was all about me, me and me, and no one else.

Once more with feeling.

Again here it is, and I stand here. A writer creates out of misery, I created out of boredom, sadness, grief and often enough, wonder. I somehow have lost that sense of enchantment. Maybe time has eroded those wide eyed daze from my eyes and left me blinking in the light... light which is perhaps too harsh for me to handle, and so I leave for the dark.

The forest and the glades and the seas of my memories beckon me. I often think of losing myself there. I remember seeing a lot of those people I love, loved, miss, missed, need, needed in them, and I know, they are all mine to keep. Those little memories and patches of glory are mine, all mine, and no, I will not share.

It is with this spirit I wish myself adieu for now. It is time for me. A lot of times I have realized that the concept of death is both physical as well as mental. However, death to me is revival and renewal, and yes, once again, I am renewed. The mortal me is dead once again and risen from its own ashes, unforgettable and often quirky, with a new face to hide behind, and a new challenger who would try to take it down.

Dare I disturb the universe? I dare?

In the lands of my dreams, and the forests of my wanting, dare is all I have left of this game, and so I shall be. 

I hoard these moments...

Because I know that I cannot hold them to me and make them a series of memories which I can relive. I cannot, and I accept that. Maybe, in this fraught hour as I look back and see the faces and the stories and think, I believe that I can perhaps be more forgiving to myself for my many lapses, and to others for theirs. 

Day 30: Your Favourite Song At This Time Last Year

This time last year I was going through a weird phrase with Chris Brown in it.

Day 29: A Song From Your Childhood

Day 28: A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty

This song often does. I associate it with something that perhaps only one other person in the world would understand.

Bangla - Tomar Ghore Boshot Kore Koyjona

Day 27: A Song That You Wish You Could Play

I wish I could play this.

Iron Maiden - Hallowed be thy name

Day 26: A Song That You Can Play On An Instrument

I can Proudly say I can play this with a Harmonium.

Harano Sur - Tumi Je Amar. 

Day 25: A Song That Makes You Laugh

This does. Along with fond memories.

Monty Python.

Day 24: A Song That You Want To Play At Your Funeral

the Beatles - Across the Universe

Day 23: A Song That You Want To Play At Your Wedding

If I have a choice, then I want this song to play at my wedding. With my luck, I will probably get Bismillah Khan er sanai er recording.




It will be "Hai Hai Saat Paake Bnadha poiro na" by Angshuman. I could not find the song in Youtube. 

Day 22: A Song That You Listen To When You’re Sad

Always. 

Day 21: A Song That You Listen To When You’re Happy

Out of all the Songs, this one gives me joy! 

Owl City - Fireflies.


"I'd like to make myself believe,
The planet earth turns, slowly..."