The Time

Yes, the times are a'changing. I never really realized or appreciated how much times are a'changing, till I checked my blog and saw that nearly six years have passed since I began blogging. I began it with a few JUDEans and I never really paid much thought to what was going in there. It was, truthfully speaking, a place where I made some noise. Because I like Attention. Hence the name Panu. Jaar Maane, if you are a non-Bengali, you would NOT understand.

Its easy for me to leave the blog and go. Very easy. But it is not easy to pick up from a phrase and begin again, which I don't want to do. This blog is not ended here, just an infrequent writer's infrequent visits to a place which stinks of old memories and friends who used to make her happy. Now Panu no longer knows whether those friends come or not.... the comments, the footfall are nearly gone.

Okay, sorry, melodrama. Its just me pouting because no one commented on the last few posts.

Closure

It says, life always brings you to a full circle. When I was a little girl with ambitions to become a dog trainer someday, I dreamt of swanning inside the premises of my school with all the teachers staring at the exceptionally well-behaved dogs accompanying me. In class VIII, somewhere in the midst of Deepika Ma'am's class, the dogs got transformed to humans. My teacher told me to be strong and pursue my dreams. And I dreamt of reading storybooks all my life, and explain the stories to people.

I didn't even know when my storybooks were exchanged for the heavier tomes of commercial gains. I choked myself in them. Whatever was new to me got lost in the heavy dullness of mathematical precision. I wanted to close my eyes and fade far away.

Then came the time when I reacted. I refused to continue my miseries further and decided to do what I wanted to do. Xavier's was my saviour. The enormous halls enclosed me in their safety and I got lost in the thousands of books I began to sample. I was poorer than a church mouse and loved it. It seemed like a whirlwind, the three years I spent there. JU was surreal and I was bemused and dazed for being suddenly thrown into a world where work beckoned.

And so I worked.

And then came a time when I moved back. I got a call and I was going back to school.

Only this time, when I pass a student, he says, "good morning ma'am."

My teachers, the severe critics of my childhood, sing praises and welcome me with open arms.

I am 25. I just went back to school. Its changed, yes. So have I. And now I can finally look at the days of my life in school without cringing in fear or shock. Now I accept it.

Well I have been planning this

Apart from the mass hysteria posts and the "I'm upset" posts and random tags, I have been basically sitting on my bum doing nothing ever since I quit my job. I don't like the politics, and unlike certain people, would rather leave than compromise. I have an issue with attitude and ego-talk, and sexual discrimination, and I prefer moving in safe (read unemployed) waters. People might say I am talking tosh, but well, they are allowed their opinions.

Some times I wonder what this whole shebang is. I mean, I come here, take a deep breath, and begin, and go away, letting that deep breath go. All the miracles of birth I guess. Can I please pause to review what have I been up to?

*Pause. Inspect. Done*

Okay. A lot. I am preening now.

Hoom.

I'm down... and out. My workplace houses cats and kitty-type women who try and destroy others.... cats are better than kitties any day. My students tell me I mingle with them like a friend.

I'm pretty happy. I have suddenly discovered I like how people look at me sometime.

I miss you Chu. I miss you bad.

Its like being happy sometime. Its like being unhappy sometime. I shaking my cozy pheet and being happy sometime.