Decisions and Dread

So here I am sitting here

Watching the space between us,

And you are

In your own dreams

Lost in the shades of your life...

Oh I want to add an exceptional to the normalcy

That we live

And perhaps

Believe for a while

That this dream of mine lies here, right here,

And we are sitting across the skies and stars, this infinitesimal

Space between us,

Lost and not lost

Unbeknown to all, but here I lie and believe you again....

Sounds like....

Like a snowball revolving on and on........

I am here. I am nearly old. I am nearly old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

The Memoirs of this Lamentable Mohila.

Mohila

Means Lady. Woman. Female.

I have been addressed as that quite a few times when I was around seventeen. Old and matured at my age, I somehow felt incredibly hurt when some men's eyes would slither all over me and then there would be the deliberate "brushing" against my body... even my forearms were erogenous zones. I hated the way they would comment on my newly and fully developed breasts, my bigger than average buttocks, and my ungainly looks.

"Mohilar jinis achhe guru... Mukh jodio dhuchunir moto..." (the Lady has Stuff to show, though her face looks like shit)

I would cringe sometimes. Sometimes I would try to put up an impassive face to show that they could not hurt me. Sometimes I would glare.

Tales of ineffectuality, that.

Yesterday, I'd just come back from a drive and my best friend had dropped me home. The cell phone's cash charge suddenly diminished to almost nothing, and panicking, I ran to the nearest shop. When I was returning, I found two men starting to comment.

"Jinis mama, jinis. Dekhechis?" (Stuff man, stuff. You See?)

"Dekhechi to dekhechi to.." (I see, I see!)

Comments went on. I was walking. Normal pace. No strange kung-fu stance, or anything. Inside, my body was burning up. I was seeing red as they continued to make comments like this for more than ten minutes. Finally, I decided to put a stop to this.

HALT! PAUSE! TURN!

I looked at two men. One was twenty. The other was younger.

They paused too.

Flash went my camera. Broad street. People passing by. They stared at me in disbelief as I lowered the camera phone.

"Ar ekta kotha bolle ei chhobita niye thanay jaabo ami. Nyakami hochhe?" (One more word and I go to the police with this picture. WTF?)

They begin to say something but I turned away.

I had no other options. Was what I did right? Was it?

All I could feel was my red blood boiling. And the problem was, my stupid camera phone was unable to process the request because of the light.

Ulto Bhai-let

I have a new addition to the family. A baby girl who is very pretty and has saxay eyes. Who looks at everyone. I shall be running after boys in about 12 years, waving the then-rusted gun that I wave now at damn boys who mess with my sister. Its becoming more and more a tradition and I'm pretty happy with the outcome. M's nearly fourteen and still not in lou. I still hold the right to let a boy date her, and since I consider that species out of question, until she turns lesbian, she's not getting any anytime soon. She still claims to love Inu Yasha though. I really commend on her enthusiasm. Its been three years, and she has not deviated. Good for her, I say. Shows her faithfulness to that errant dog demon who seem to two time the love(s) of his life.

On the other hand, I have been chastised by the Headmistress who insist on me not sitting on the tabletop and address every senior teacher "didi" and "Apni".... I shall be going "Jeremy" on them very soon if I have my way.

Its this....

Suki and me were walking all tralala at Shitty Shentaar and we found this. Right after that, I found hot top that she told me I gotta Have.

Is there some point where you scratch your head and look back and realize that the place that you just were was the place where once upon a time you believed in a lot of things, and then that place was just snatched from right under your feet, and you go, WTF rya??

A few days ago, I wanted nothing more to do with a lot of aspects of life, and now that I am inadvertently involved in it, I have no idea how to extract myself from it... mystified reader, you have my permission to officially desert this post and run the hell away.

System check : MET DOUBLETAKE DOUBLETHINK. I Like her.

Uh. Back to point one. Peep ree.... I lou you to bitty pieces. Can I immerse you in chocolate sauce and lick you? It will be novel and you shall squirm and go eki mairi (or you might end up competing with me to lick the chocolate, who knows?) but I sincerely need to do something THAT absurd to miss a beat nowadays... I am so totally INTHEBEAT now!!

Agh-race-Shun. BHOTEBHAR.

Hoom.

I'm down... and out. My workplace houses cats and kitty-type women who try and destroy others.... cats are better than kitties any day. My students tell me I mingle with them like a friend.

I'm pretty happy. I have suddenly discovered I like how people look at me sometime.

I miss you Chu. I miss you bad.

Its like being happy sometime. Its like being unhappy sometime. I shaking my cozy pheet and being happy sometime.

The Merest Hint....

Then the link between the due courses are severed and releashed. Do we care sometimes?


Perhaps not.

What colour is your tears? What?

Out there is a girl who love me. And she left without a trace. Now the city has become my tomb and the streets reek of her, and I can smell the stench of her monthly flow through the gutters, and still I miss her. She chokes me with her un-presence, and I crave her till my throat screams for fluid. I scream for fluidity but I am still the solid piece of flesh that I am.

She's gone.

Yet one more, but so much more...so much more...
What do I do? Where do I go? How must I flow? How? How?

I love you. Wherever you are. My Other. My All. ]

Mine to love, mine to hate, mine to let go and vegetate.

The Horse and the Butterfly

No. This ain't no Narnia. Its about two Hindi Movies that has been released on the Fourth of July. And I have seen them, back to back, and am driven to write a review for what a lot of "Intellectual" Bengali people call trashy Bolly drivel and refuse to watch.

How about putting it this way? I have enjoyed the first two odd hours of movie watching so much that I was clapping and humming and jumping around. During the next two, I sat with my hands carefully draped across the seat in the front, trying to wish myself away to Someplace Else (Or even Tantra, for the Ministry of Sound thing yesterday). It could not be helped. It is, as my dear friend Mister Sukumar Roy puts it, "was hanky, now cat." (And yes, thats the correct translation, Peep. So where was I? Oh, of course. The movies. Or rather, the moves. What made Love story 2050 quite unbearable to watch was this really bad script. It was watching the poor Baweja boy struggle through his lines, dripping tears, and reminding me sincerely of Hrithik in Yaadein. I won't even go to the depth of drama he tried to enact, but Pappu, you can dance all you want, but you have dumb eyes. Can you please put on another expression, if possible? Where Hrithik can speak volumes with his, your eyes tell me, when do I dance? I mean, I know, you are an IMPECCABLE dancer, with an incredible sense of timing, and when you dance, your eyes light up. For future reference, I would ask you to participate in dance dramas, and dancy movies, and wear tight tees that show off your male boobies. Please. And you made the movie bearable because I could not really appreciate Priyanka Chopra running around in white, looking like a vestal virgin in one act and this hot red beeyach in another. I believe in all sort of reincarnations, but this was quite ridiculous, watching Hrithik Morph meet Rekha Reincarnate. I wanted to see a movie that was fun and nice, maybe the mistakes leading to a guy suddenly landing up in 2050 and bungling around, which would have been fun. But here there is no light. Here Anakin Skywalker uses tubelights (albeit glowing electric ones, but still...) to fight against the Darth Grover (Hoshi? Joshi? I forgot the name of the villain... not that he was much of a villain anyway, His Royal Evility was the scriptwriter him/herself who forced conversation where none was needed). Baweja beta's only good contribution (apart from the dancything) to the movie was that he can look helpless. But he established himself as the whiny, attention seeking brat, and totally ruined his image for me. And what's with the Age 23 thing?? Is that a talisman against Age 24 and up? Who are you trying to be, born on 13th November, 1984?? And do you expect us to believe that Priyanka (sorry darling) is '86 born?? DEWD!! Get a life!! Even I don't buy that, and let me tell you, I buy a lot of things in life, in general.

All right. I have vented enough bile over the Baweja beta. Lets look at the other half of the party. The film, the beginning reminded me of Chalte Chalte, where this woman is hearing a story from her friends, about a couple. I went... agh. Not again. But then, it began. Imran Khan. I did not really like him much... (I was biased. He was not as pretty as Baweja Boy.. incidentally, a good looking body and face can keep you in a movie hall. I swear), and when he first began, it was pretty upsetting to see a funeral, until the point you realized that just when this movie got serious, it ruined it all and became funny. Oh My God. And was it funny! At one point, I thought my bottom (yes, the fat one) will fall off the seat, because we were going nuts over the movie. I am glad to say, that the guys look so nice together, they just make up a team. Reminded me of our group, with the Singer/Rodlu, the Jignes, the Bombs, the Shaleen, the Jay, the Aditi, the Works, rather. Pappu can't dance. At least not in this movie. He can't sing, apparently (Yes, he was unbearable. I would kill someone cheerfully if he made me listen to Imran Khan ishtyle song at the end of the movie). But everyone was Incredible and so totally supportive of each other. And I loved the character of Meghna... beautiful Meghna who made a life out of illusion and dreams. I could remember a song by Everclear when I saw her eyes as she described her "gorgeous" parents who turned out to be indifferent and drunk.


I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now


The very obvious sigh of "ooh la la" that came from women around the hall as they saw Aditi's boy friend showed their approval of a good looking rascal. And there was never a dull moment. They were not the force-friends or force-scientists, or force-anythings of anyone. They were humans, all living human passions embedded within them. I told myself that the ending made Aditi (I cannot think of her as anything else) look kind of a turn off with the short hair, but the strength came from within the movie, to see them all in action, so totally wonderful together. And not in the Everclear sense. I could feel the sadness, I could feel the "Lou" and I could feel the emotions that came from within. The horse motif was a bit of an overkill. In dreams, in discs, on the road, in carriages, even on the wall... horses were everywhere. But well, it was bearable compared to the cupid-fly.

Baweja Boy repeats, "I don't need luck, I have love." Here's the deal; you shall get love from the parents. If they are not mad enough to kill you because I believe you have just made them and the other poor sods who foolishly believed in time travel 80 odd crores lighter. I guess you need a time traveling device now. To run away to 2050 when you (hopefully) won't be recognized.

If only they made more movies like they do at the Aamir House. Jaane tu... implies the coming of a new trend, that was pioneered by Jab We Met and it reminded me once again, that just when you thought it was over, Picture tab bhi baaki tha, mere dost !!

the spirit of the age

Success!!

I HAVE MADE COFFEE RUM AND KAHLUA!!!

System Check.

Paul Simon is a rock in the background, peppery liquid running down my throat. The smell of burning paper pervades my nostrils, and yet another day passes in the same way thousand others have, and I move a day closer to ...?

For me you contain within you

All my perfume, all my bile, and all my disfigured cells.

For me you take a shape

And gently melt when I ask you to.

Some Trivial Days.

So yesterday was a fabulous day. My Kaka (sort of complicated this. My uncle lives in the same house as me and we are very close... he is my Grandfather's stepbrother's son) turned 35 yesterday and we went out to celebrate with Dadu and Didun (his parents). My Kakima is heavily pregnant, so she could not go and berated us on the phone as we had fun. We ordered food we could not finish and cold drinks because my uncle's a teetotaler. And in the night I went for a bike ride. Just like old times. We had cold coffee at Gautam's at 12 in the night and we sneaked in because we did not want Dadu-Didun to be upset and awake. But they were, and we sang songs and I was thinking of the numerous times Dadu had had me down from a tank, rescued me from a street fight, or played with my GI Joes, and sang songs together like this. My parents hate them, though. For them, my Dadu-Didun are nonexistent, though they dote on my kaka and kakima.

My Dadu died this morning. He left us in his sleep, a half-smile curved to his lips. And all I could think of was that he was planning a baby shower for my Kakima on Friday. I don't think there will be any now.

Rest in Peace. I love you.

Narcissus

The wind burst and breathed around me,

Twirling in naked magery, the short

Spurts of musky rain enveloping

My very soul.


Its going to rain.


Rain creeps up and soaks all

With its dim moistness, swirling

Its way into the bones of the coconut

Trees, and the almond shaped drops

Soaked me to my skin.


And still, it was to rain.


The pain washed off the days of my life

I sat on a table top, wondering if that

Day would come when it would rain.


But its raining already. Can't you hear

The drops

Of Neptune

Falling from the sky?


Its going to...


You washed the pieces of broken crockery on the sink.

You prayed in front of the potted idol.

You wasted the breaths unnecessarily,

But I thought it was needed to make you happy.


You called and waited

Beneath the coconut trees

But he never showed up.

You did all the right things

But the real dread behind all

Was behind the one person whom you

Did not tell.


And you lay on the dust of your spirits,

Reclined on your skull

And gasped at the beauty of it.


The bones shattered, rattled, broke

Under you

And you fell into a chasm of silence

Where nothing existed but you.

And you blessed yourself because there was no one left to bless.

He never came under the coconut tree.

You stooped and picked up the rib

That was once you

And broke it into half

And you took the pieces and made them into a pair

And the two ribs led separate lives

Happily ever after.


The myth was for them. It was not for you.

It is not for me.


It will be never for us. Not for you and I.

Random conversation.

me: you completely took a wrong turn!!
you: don't think i said anything wrong at all...
you: where did I take a wrong turn?
me: oh yes!! you did not. you merely became frigid and said adios senorita!!
you: you should have brought me back on road...
you: held my hand...
you: and brought me back on the right track...
me: me?? i never bring anyone back. I never hold hands, I run on my own road.
you: ok..
you: I will keep that in mind...
me: if someone follows... they soon lose track
you: ok...
you: what if they use a chopper? Will that help?
me: I will go down the trench babe
you: what if they use a mine drilling equipment?
you: will that help?
me: i shall fly away then
you: ok...
you: what if they have James Bond's rocket back pack?
you: will that help?
me: then i shall become invisible
me: or use nitro and just zoom away.
you: what if they have the latest ray refracting machine?
you: will that help?
you: what if they have capt.spock's nitro rocket?
me: i shall vapourise and turn into a mist and just go
you: will that help?
me: nope
you: what if they have a mist sucking machine?
me: then i shall turn into vampire bats and suck blood out of all and be very happy.
you: what if they have watched the movie 'bats' and know all the methods of capture?
you: will that help?
me: why are we doing this?



We were young people who ran. And ran and ran and ran. We looked no where but towards us. We were unbeatable, indomitable, our head in the clouds. We ran so fast that we never saw what was coming. We never did.

And we were running in different streets with no aim, no way to find, no where to go. We were just running. But then, she crashed into someone and held on. And I tumbled. I tumbled and ran on. We were two people in two different places both with the same aim to reach the mark. But what mark? What? We did not know. We did not know what mark but we loved running free like a wild wild wild thing that did not know where to end. Where to stop. And where to go.

Its been a while. I look for someone to crash into. But I am also afraid of him. That’s why people surround me. Its easy to get lost when you have plenty of people around you.

Its A Steal!!

I have lost the cellphone again.

A thief stole it while stealing other things as well. Like my purse and my I-pod.

Apparently I had a conversation with him while I was sleeping.


It went like this.

[Middle of the night. I feel hands rummaging through my side. Sleepily I begin]

Me: (Ke?) Who's this?

Thief: Ami.(Its me.)

Me: Ami? Ami Ke? Ar Phone Nichho Keno? (Me? Me who? And why are you taking my phone?)

Thief: Ma chaichhe. (Mother wants it)

Me: Keno? O to use korte jane na... (Why? She does not know how to use it...)

Thief snaps back: Ami ki jani keno chaichhe... chaichhe tai dichhi. (How do I know why she wants it. I just know she does)

Me : oh okay.

[I go back to sleep.]

I got completely freaked when I saw what had happened. And police enquiry people laughed their heads off when they heard it.

They weren't laughing when they found a knife though. One of those with old bloodstains on it.

Hero

Hold it tighter

Your knuckles white

Against the slickly advertised phone

Your hair cut in a strange crop

You are the model of greatness

When you run with them.



Who are they you ask?

Why, those who love you!

Your perfect abs and hips

Your devil-may-care smile

And all the girls die at the drop of a line...


Come to them.

They will

Feed you the Dionysian fruits

And I shall watch them,

My hair unbound, the way you like it

My face unmoving and strong,

I gave you my all,

And tonight you are strange

The perfect locks of your hair shaking

When your gaze falls on me



And its all there. Its all there in

The precious darkness where nothing else works,

Only you and I cling

In that darkness I call insecurity.

Of Pune and Good Eats

So I have become addicted to this. Oh My Effing Lord, THIS is brilliant.


SO. Marriages sort of cloud the family again. It seems I have endless cousins all of marriageable age, and all of them are surrendering their effing wickets like Knight Riders and feeling happy about it and its my turn next everywhere and I don't know whattodo OMG I sound paranoid now...


Which I am.

Its allgood though.

After Dorabjee's, it is.

I first heard about it when I was 10. I have people visiting Pune for a long time and EVERYONE told me about that place. And so I went.

Sorry. I cannot describe the food. It is. Out. Of. This. WORLD.

I will just post another picture. Y'all can drool.



Needless to say, the chicken was AMAZING. The chicken mushroom pie was succulent and tender. The Lemon tart was just There to make me happy, and the caramel custard Pudding was OMG.

I want to go back there. Again.

Hush... now...

I went there with a friend to try out the fare of Hushh at City Centre. We entered and I was struck by the simple decor, with a lot of rot Iron settings and tables with beautiful balsamic vinegar and olive oil Jars that quite caught my attention. I ordered a simple fare... The attendants were nice and knew what they were talking about. The Tomato Basil Soup came first, with little crostinis, followed by Potato Gnochhi in Spinach Sauce. I was enamoured with the soup and the succulent gnochhi. Its quite hard to prepare a good gnochhi, as I have had bad experience with them in the past. Most of the times, Indian chefs fail to understand what EXACTLY gnochhi is... but this particular person was fantastic. Following that came a pizza, I ordered the Pizza Con Frutti De Mare , since I have heard of their fine crust and hand-tossed quality. My calamari pizza contained fantastic seafood, and I believe its the best I have had... and I have had that at other places like Fire-n-Ice and ITC. The pizza was crispy at the base, and scrummy in the centre, the cheese not too overpowering, rather, complimenting the essence of prawns and squid. I also tried out the Chicken and Mushroom Risotto, which was perhaps a bit of a disappointment, for it tasted slightly like rice boiled in mushroom soup and chunks of chicken thrown in. But the Parmesan cheese helped and so did the basil, and overall it tasted quite good. My friend had no such issues, she consumed it with gusto. I tried out the dessert, which was Tiramisu, and Kahlua Mousse.... It was simply heaven. Thank you attendant for your exceptional taste.

The bill came around a thousand for two. Probably Rs.1065 or something like that. I strongly recommend this place because of its laid-back ambiance and quality food.

Restaurant wise on a scale of 10 it gets an 8.

Food Wise - 8.5

Service - 8.

To All the Girls I have Loved Before.....

I ADMIT IT. I still love you all.

I will keep at it, I promise. Just that... I am Still Straight.


Unfortunately.

Soothing Sounds...

They hit you when you least expect it.


You feel lulled, put to sleep, exhausted. Life.

We all have head in the clouds and we run through life so fast that later we look back and realise we did not know where we were going, just that we were. Somewhere. Its always like that. My earliest memory of me is not being ejected out of my mother's womb but of a little girl being bathed by an assortment of people around her. And the moments crowd in sometimes. I write of them... and I remember and forget. What remains is this little sound.... and when we hear it we close our eyes and pretend we are sleeping and nothing can touch us. Me and Panu. We do that all the time.

From Suki...

I was perusing through Suki's blog and I came across a tag. Which basically means I am bunking work again... but its allgood. I really don't want to do most of the things that I am doing right now, one of those might read this post and allow himself a laugh at my expense. Smile, friend. I shall have the last one.

So SUKI.... AHEM.

This is the point when I say... I don't like you. Because YOU, My dear Sister-in-Law... have not BLOGROLLED Me. I do not like you I repeat.

Tag :

Ten things you wish you could say to people right now ( don’t take names)

10. Go away.

9. Leave me alone.

8. Please do the aforementioned before I get annoyed.

7. Come back.

6. Please.

5. I don't like this.

4. Do you think this is a good idea?

3. I think somebody shrunk your head a bit more than my liking. Or are you always like this?

2. Pathetic. Sad.

1. (With gleaming eyes) Should you lose weight?

NO.


Nine things about yourself

9. Bike/car rides. Especially in the middle of the night. I heart.

8. A smile. Because you are standing there with your heart in your smile, looking at me as if I am the only thing in this whole wide world.

7. No judge of character I am. I don't like evaluating people. Completely makes me feel like a dissected animal.

6. I detest backbiters. And Liars. I'm very honest. With everything. Whatever I feel, I do, I express.

5. If I like something, I tell. If I love, I don't. Queer, right? But its like that.

4. I actually believe in true love and soulmates. (Yes, right!! But still...)

3. I am very quiet when I want to be. Comfortable silences I have shared with some people and they are something that I cherish.

2. I am a people person. It means I love being with people. I like them. In general. But I am also very random. I flit. From one to another.

1. I am. Panu. Myself. Its all here and I love me. A lot.

Eight ways to win your heart

8. Just be yourself.

7. Don't lie.

6. Do something simple, but it will show you care.

5. Smile. In the way that makes me feel I am the only girl in the world.

4. Listen.

3. Talk to me. Tell me who you are.

2. Don't let me go. Because when I go, I don't return.

1. Love me. No matter what, or who, or why... just do. Don't question me. Just accept me.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot

7. Why am I here?

6. What am I doing?

5. Am I sure this is okay?

4. Did I just say too much?

3. Is he/she okay with me (this I ask my friends quite a lot)?

2. Is this what I want?

1. When will you come?

Six things you wish you never did

6. Ran away.

5. Loved somebody so deep that it hurt.

4. Trusted someone. Who was not worth it.

3. Like chocolates. You are the bane of my bod.

2. Made friends with Kaichu. I cannot accept how incredible you are. I shall kill myself of inferiority complex one day.

1. Fallen for YOU.

Five Turn offs

5. Bad breath.

4. Passivity.

3. Lost-soul dialogue.

2. Armists.

1. Acid-tongue.

Four turn ons

4. Silence. On the other side of the phone, or on the other side of the room, when I can imagine/see exactly what he feels.

3. A good perfume. Especially male ones. Denim. But I also love the smell of roses (yes, typically female... but there you go!!)... and the slight scent of cinnamon. Also of lemon. And Lavender.

2. Tattoos.

1. A grin. At a right moment. Accompanied with a little gleam off the corner of one eye.


Three things you want to do before you die

3. Bungee Jump.

2. Love like a romantic. Effing Hell!! I shall go back and jump off the nearest cliff.

1. Teach. As a prof. Put a doctor before my name.


Two smileys that describe you

=))

;)


One confession

I WANT to go to Goa. With Peep and K and P and D. Nobody else.



I tag No one. Thank you Suki.