So well.

Back on track I guess.

I'm tired, awake, and terrified.


I cannot sleep. When I sleep my nightmares wake me.

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.


---------------------------------------- Pablo Neruda

These fragments I have shored against my ruins...

"Who is the third who walks always beside you?
When I count, there are only you and I together
But when I look ahead up the white road
There is always another one walking beside you
Gliding wrapt in a brown mantle, hooded
I do not know whether a man or a woman
—But who is that on the other side of you?"

---------------Eliot.

I follow the light and darkness is never further from me. I live my life like a lovesick clown in a bittersweet cartoon. I merge myself in the darkened alleys where I search for sudden piercing screams that fragments the silence that now chillingly wraps itself around my soul.

And I ask myself what I have become. And I constantly feel the dread and the despair which folds my self up with this haze of pain and forgetfulness.

And all I need is to be free.

Well....

I get by with a little help from my friends.

It seems hard but I know that I won't be getting this set of friends who roam around in my mind all the time. I will miss them like hell when I stop looking after them, but life is not about making regrets. Its all about making these little memories... which cling like a silver foil, etching and beautifying.

I suddenly know that I am all right now. I may be a lot of things. But these moments... these memories keep me on. People will leave, but they will leave me with the memory that I will have of them. And in this fleeting life of mine that does not even matter mostly I shall have this... and I don't want any more right now.