A Liar's Guide to the Dreams..

In the dead of the night, the dreams come in one by one. They cling to you with soft acceptance, and they know it all..

These are the dreams which leave a note of remembrance. They cling to our tongues like a bittersweet delight.

They feel familiar, though their flavour melts in the mouth... and taste distinctly unusual.


December 15, 2008

In Search of Protection

So a certain Someone told me... Girls should be liberated enough to be protected themselves, and therefore find and get protection whenever required.

"Okay then " I said. "Lets Go."

This certain Someone walked with me tonight to find it.

Here beginneth the epic tale of Panu's Quest for the Divine Protection:

So off we went... me and my friend...

Not in the locality. That was too obvious.

So we went to anonymity.

Episode One:

Pantaloons.


Goddamit!! S said.... they have sanitary napkins but I can't bleeding find them!!

"Thats because you are looking at the cookie section."

"I swear I found them here the last time."

"You never came here before!! You said that!"

"I did at Big Bazaar! They had!"

"Fine!!"

No go. Food, tissues, detergents, pencil-rubber... every section was meticulously looked into. No protection.

Disgusted and annoyed, I approached the sales lady. She was equally clueless, and her mortified pink cheeks were festoons of our temporary withdrawal.


Episode Two:

Jeevan


Jeevan. Ah the Portal of Trusted Life. Bring me the Protection!!

We walked with happiness as the light poured forth from the wide doors. I approached cautiously, with S at my heels.

And there were Old Men.

And there were Middle Aged Women with Shawls and Glasses.

I walked away with S. The Portal of Life was closed to us.


Episode Three

The UNKNOWN STORE


Disheartened, I moved with S to the grounds where she would find a chariot home.

We walked and we walked down the empty road.

And then we heard footsteps.

Men approached.

"Whatta Bum man!"

And my Great Rage began to build up. So did my Determination. I was going to be Protected or Else!!

And then.... Then There was the Store.


Episode Four:

The Purchase


We walked to The Store. There was a Young Boy trying to buy a Cure for Cold. And we waited patiently till we were served.

And we demanded for Whisper.

And then delicately put forth our need.

And met with Perplexity.

The man stared at us and said...

" I am sorry. We do not have that brand."

Nooooooooooooo!!

To be brought this far... and Spurned!!

We were Disheartened. Our Goal seemed Far away. Far Far away.

And then the man said... "However, we do have Something Else!!"

So we made The Purchase. And we were given a concession for our efforts.

And the man Looked as we were Shielded.

And then We truimphantly went Home.

Episode Five:

The Aftermath


Now that we were well protected, we let the story unto others. Women of all times, hear our plight and Protect Thyself. For in Protection you can Rely. And in Protection you can Prevent.

And here endeth our Heroic Tale.

December 14, 2008

December 10, 2008

A Letter

Dear Mandy,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but the mafia wants you . I think I realized it when we skinny dipped in your closet and I saw you pull the clothes off Bill Clinton. I'm sure you're Cowardly enough to understand that your pimples are at the last stage. I'm returning the cut toenails to you, but I'll keep my common sense as a memory. You should also know that I always wanted to break the apartment building.

Good luck on your short-term leave from jail

Panu



How you do the Letter Meme:

Dear (the last person who left a comment to your Facebook note/wall/anywhere):

I don't really know how to tell you this, but [1]. I think I realized it [2] [3] and I saw you [4] [5]. I'm sure you're [6] enough to understand [7]. I'm returning [8] to you, but I'll keep [9] as a memory. You should also know that I [10] [11].

[12],
-Your name-


1. What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - Our romance is over
Red - Our affair is over
White - I'll join the monastery
Black - I dislike you
Green - Our horoscope doesn't match
Grey - You're a pervert
Yellow - I'm selling myself
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're a loser
Other - I'm in love with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?
January - That night
February - Last year
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on sesame seeds
May - First of May
June - When you put cuffs on me
July - When I threw up
August - When I saw the shrunken head
September - When we skinny dipped
October - When I quoted Santa
November - When your dog ran amok
December - When I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Pizza - In your camping car
Pasta - Outside of Chicago
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad - As you ate enchilada
Chicken - In your closet
Kebab - With Paris Hilton
Fish - In women's clothing
Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a state of trance
Other - With George Bush and his wife

4. What's the colour of your socks?
Yellow - Hit on
Red - Insult
Black - Ignore
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - Put leeches on
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the toupee off
Barefoot - Sit at
Other - Drive out

5. What's the colour of your underwear?
Black - My best friend
White - My father
Grey - Bill Clinton
Brown - My fart balloon
Purple - My mustard soufflé
Red - Donald Duck
Blue - My avocado plant
Yellow - My penpal in Ghana
Orange - My Kid Rock-collection
Pink - Manchester United's goalkeeper
None - My John F. Kennedy-statue
Other - The crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs - Man
O.C. - Emotional
One Tree Hill - Open
Heroes - Frostbitten
Lost - High
House - Scarred
Simpsons - Cowardly
The news - Mongolic
Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Senile
Top Model - Middle-class
Other - Ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy -
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That Santa doesn't exist
Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed - That we're cousins
Excited - That there is no solution to this.
Nervous - The middle-east
Worried - That your Honda sucks
Apathetic - That I had a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your hamster
Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyed - That I'm open
Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks

8. What's the color of the walls in your bedroom?
White - Your ring
Yellow - Your love letters
Red - Your Darth Vader-poster
Black - Your tame stone
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - The pictures from LA
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your contact book
Grey - Our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple - Your old lottery coupons
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your memories from the military service

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your photo
C/D - The oil stocks
E/F - Your neighbour Martin
G/H - My virginity
I/J - The results of your blood-sample
K/L - Your left ear
M/N - Your suicide note
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X - David's tricot outfits
Y/Z - Your grades from college

10. The last letter in your last name:
A/B - Always will remember
C/D - Never will forget
E/F - Always wanted to break
G/H - Never openly mocked
I/J - Always have felt dirty before
K/L - Will tell the authorities about
M/N - Told in my confession today about
O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about
S/T - Get sick when I think of
U/V - Always will try to forget
W/X - Am better off without
Y/Z - Never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- Our friendship
Beer - Senility
Soft drink - A new life as a clone
Soda - The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk - The apartment building
Wine - Cocaine abuse
Cider - A passionate interest for mice
Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water - Embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism
Whisky - To ruin the second world war
Other - To hate the Boston Celtics

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand - Warm regards
USA - Best regards
England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain - Go and drown yourself
China - Disgusting regards
Germany - With ease
Japan - Go burn
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt - Fuck off now
France - In pain

ENJOY!!

December 05, 2008

Thenkyou Nylooo.

First name: Panu

single or taken: Its Single. Dammit.

sex: I wish.

birthday: 28th Sept.

siblings: Younger and pesky. Also known as "paintshop pro"

hair colour: Darkest brown

shoe size: Bata = 6. Others = 7

height: 5'3"

innie or outie: any discussion or information regarding the belly part is N/A. Not Applicable.

what are you wearing right now: Long bias cut skirt and a lovely dark red and off white top

righty or lefty:I'm Straight in general.

can you make a dollar in change right now: Vot? Na. Ami Amrican noi. Janina.

------------------------------------------------------------
relationships
------------------------------------------------------------

who are your closest friends? Piku, Chu, Pablo, D.

do you have a BF or GF? Er no. Not now. Thankyou.

best place to go for a date: A good coffee place.

---------------------------------------------------------------
favourites...
---------------------------------------------------------------

favourite place to shop: BAD QUESTION TO ASK A SHOPAHOLIC

favourite kind of pants: sexytightnottoolowjeans

favourite colour: Red, Blue and Black

number(s): 6

animal: Dogs.

drink: WATER.

sport(s): heeheehee.

fast food place(s): Kentucky Fried Chicken. I can sing songs about the place

month: October. In general. Pujor time.

current movie: currently its Singin in the Rain. I Loooooooooooove.

juice: lime

finger: thumb

breakfast: BACON. EGGS. MUSHROOMS. FRIED BREAD. LUCHI AR AALOO BHAJA.

favourite cartoon character(s): Flintstones. And Looney Tunes. Tom and Jerry.

----------------------------------------------------------
have you ever:
----------------------------------------------------------

given anyone a bath? Yep. Quite a few in fact. Stop perving.

smoked? yep.

bungee-jumped? wanna.

made yourself throw up? yep.

gone skinny dipping? yes.

eaten a hot dog? Yum, yep.

put your tongue on a frozen pole? I don't think I was shooting for dumb and dumber.

loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes.

broken a bone? no

played truth-or-dare? did.

been in a police car? Yep.

been on a plane? Yep

been in a sauna? Yep. extremely baaje jayga. never wanna go back.

been in a hot tub? not in company.

gone swimming in the ocean? YES!!!!!! OH LORD YESS!!!!!!!!!!

fallen asleep in school? not really.

ran away? Plenty of times.

broken someone's heart? yep.

cried when someone died? Yes.

cried in school? A few times.

fallen off your chair? Yes.

sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call? Yes.

saved e-mails? Yes.

fallen for one of your best friends? Yes.

made out with JUST a friend? Yes.

used someone? Yes. I dont think I want to again. Ever.

been cheated on? Yes.

----------------------------------------------------------------
What is...
----------------------------------------------------------------

your good luck charm? its a little ring from a friend.

the best song you ever heard? Lots lots lots.

the stupidest thing you have ever done? Oh well. Long list. I'm sure anyone who knows me can come up with different stuff.

what's your room like? A mess. I likit.

the last thing you said? You think this will work?

what is beside you? a lot of mails. and a gluestick.

the last thing you ate? chanachur.

what kind of shampoo do you use? Disney's Mickey Mouse as per last week.

the best thing that has happened to you this year? lotsa things. Ok.. Picnic at chu's.

the worst thing that has happened to you this year? Ore baba.

----------------------------------------
have you had..
----------------------------------------

chicken pox? nope.

sore throat? yes, many times.

stitches? Once

broken nose? tried

-------------------------------------
do you
-------------------------------------

believe in love at first sight? I do

like picnics? Love them.

like school? Yes.

--------------------------------------
would you/what is
---------------------------------------

eat a live hamster for $1,000,000 ? No. I won't

if you were stuck on an island, what people would you want with you? PEOPLE WITH A YACHT, a Navigator, and a bridge to Land.

who was the last person that called you? Ma.

who was the last person you slow-danced with? Karan.

what makes you laugh the most? I laugh for mostly no particular reason. Oh no wait... Chucky. I like laughing with her.

what makes you smile? Chucky. I like smiling at her.


---------------------------------
who was the last person
--------------------------------------

you yelled at? Abir

who broke your heart? O baba!

who told you he/she loved you? Pablo.

who is your loudest friend? Pablo.

------------------------------------------------------------

do you/are you/Have you:
------------------------------------------------------------

do you like filling these out? yep.

do you wear glasses or contacts? Glasses and contacts.

do you like yourself? I do.

do you get along with your family? Trick question.

stolen anything over $50? Na.

obsessive? At times.

compulsive? Janina.

anorexic? No One WILL/CAN ACCUSE ME OF THAT

suicidal? NO.

schizophrenic? ew. no.

--------------------------------
love life
-------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
this or that
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

coffee or tea: Coffee.

phone or in person: in person

are you oldest, middle, youngest or only child: Older and wiser.

indoor or outdoor: Outdoor.

--------------------------------------------------
final questions
------------------------------------

how many people are you sending this to: whoever wants it can take it.

what are you listening to right now? tick tick tick.

what did you do yesterday? worked and then got a tattoo.

where do you want to get married? On a little cliff. so that if I change my mind I can jump off.

if you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? My Gullibility.

are you a good driver? no. I am terrible.

are you a good singer? Yes. to myself.

what do you dream about? Me.

Inking

Is a slight pain at the base of my back.

November 28, 2008

27th November: A Day

I cried last night after a long time and prayed that someone called Puloma Baral was all right. Her mother was on the phone and I could not cry because she was and as she talked to me a life flashed before my eyes... in living colours I saw this girl who grew up with me and was the salient member of a gang which we would adoringly call Scarlet.

I have two friends: One at Taj and the other at The Oberoi, Mumbai. Sabrina was accessible and responded immediately to my query. Pulo was not. Her phone was switched off and her mother was hysterical.

We did not know what to do. All I did was stare at the TV to watch the destruction of faith. My friend told me that it made her stomach turn over to see it. I switched off the TV after I saw the hotel room on fire. I could not bear it, and to top it all, news came that five chefs were murdered, and since Puloma's a chef, we were terrified.

I hated the TV channels which try to show reality and end up dramatizing and not revealing the truth. I hate that news man who saw my friend run out of the hotel, with blood pouring out of her head and her ankle and never came to help, though she asked. I will not forgive that person who turned a blind eye (THE CAMERA) to her as she ran out and tried to find help. Now she is safe but what about those hours?

If I sound vengeful and angry, but its reaction, I know.

November 17, 2008

Randomly Mine...

He dies everynight in the darkened room,

His breath stifled by my unheard moans,

He dies every night with his silence,

He dies in shades of grey and muted tones.

* * *

I am the one

Who strangled your dry voice in the dead of the night

Against my pillow where you lay

Your short spiky hair pinning my pillow with their strength

As I pushed you,

Your strong arms flailing,

Your male lips gasping, I do not know

Whether it was ecstasy you felt,

Or your voice screamed for mercy as I dealt you with the denial

Of your breath.

November 14, 2008

Got this off Peep's Blog. I did exactly what she said and closed my eyes and thought of books. And I ended up with four, but well, it never hurts to keep one extra just in case. I came up with:

1. Buro Angla - Abanindranath Thakur

2. The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint Exupéry. Oh Lord, that was a Book to be reckoned with.

3. Devil's Cub - Georgette Heyer. One of those books that make me glad that I like Regency romances. Its fun to read.

4. Tintin: The Shooting Star - Herge.

I read the first one when I was 6. I re-read it countless times over the years. Same with the Tintin, which I owned, I lost, and I re-bought.

I remember falling in love with the Marquis of Vidal. Class XII. At my friend Ria's insistence I remember reading the book. I have not doubted her ever since.

The Little Prince was a book I read when I was quite old. Around 10. Cynical to the boots. And then came the lamb in the box. I was blown.

November 13, 2008

November 2nd, 2008....

Dear ***,

Today I spent most of the day alone, sharing myself with cups of coffee and a television. Its strange when people tell you that you need some time some time alone to find yourself... and then never go away..... well, I think it does not work for me. I walk alone all the time. Despite my best friends and all, I know that I am alone, and I'm not really upset or afraid of it. Once I remember Chu speaking about it and I thought, for just a sec, maybe, just maybe, I was probably not cut out to be alone. But then I realized that I have been living it. And I like it way too much to actually settle down for sharing it. Maybe I'm too selfish to share myself now. Or its because I'm this alone and I don't think I'd like to change it. At 25, I am straight, happy and whole. It took me a long time to acknowledge, believe and understand that I was, but I am now quite pleased with the results. Its so simple... like solving an equation that you were too scared to work on because you thought you would fail. I realize that its not the world, its just my way. I shut people out. Because, after a while they begin to bother me and my space. I never say it. But I say something inane and let off. Maybe I am too dramatic here, but let me tell you something. Once You are aware that You don't need anyone but yourself with you, anyone sharing your space... You are ... free.

October 29, 2008

Expanse of Spirit.

Or something that attracts the spirit and sends the soul off to far away, distant places, know, that it is I who am.

It is me who still remain here.

Dearest friend,

I have made mistakes, I have pretended. I am guilty of my sins. But ever since I pretended, and I made mistakes, I became dearer to you, so would you not love me because my mistakes and my pretenses made me come to you and look at you behind your mistakes, and your pretenses? Maybe you can forgive those random thoughts, those silly comments because you cannot bear to see my hidden face anymore?

Maybe I am merely putting myself up for folly. One laughs at the enigmatic speeches I make and pretend they do not know what I speak of. But I know here what I speak of. I speak of the faraway spirits which embalms you in the middle of the day with their vapid presence. I speak of the forgotten who was left inside the dank, dreary skin while you hid.

I speak of all the random places I have seen, talked to, and touched a little part of 'THAT' who speaks to you in your head.

And here I end, leaving on a note of nothing beautiful, nothing glorious.

October 23, 2008

Ek Haseena Thi....

I love the film. Karz. NO NOT WITH THE MULTIPLE 'Z' Starring a certain Nasal Man. He did not do justice to a masterpiece that was Subhash Ghai at his best. Rishi Kapoor at his full glory.

"Mere Umar Kee.... Naujawano..."

I used to love that song. It was such a power trip for me. I saw that movie at "Santosh" Cinema when I was 6. I think, the second ever movie that I saw on big screen. That film had run there for 39 weeks when it was first released, and then, it was re-run 10 years later, when I saw it. House was still FULL. People were dancing when the songs came up. Everyone sang the parody of Dard-E-Dil with relish...

"Pehle toh main shayar tha,

Shuor banaya apne."

And then they saw everything, mesmerised. They loved the people who watched and whooped and sang with them. Its such a powerful film, well-made and well-thought out. It made the absurd storyline seem normal. And Simi Garewal. Oh Simi. You were so Beautiful. I never did like you when you shed fake tears and daintily wiped them off in your talk show. But there... I was in love with you. Six years of age.

I wanted her. Not Miss Tandoori Nights.

Disclaimer: I am yet to see the Karzzz with lotz of "Z".I am biased because I love Simi Garewal. I will be seeing the movie again shortly. And I shall love it. As usual.

October 20, 2008

Dated.

Delusion and dreams. That is what is there. But its all about existence. Maybe existence is a dream. Or a delusion. Or maybe its a certainty. I am pretty non-committal that way.

Speaking of delusions, I believe randomness is delusion's hold to sanctity and sanity. What say you?

You believe otherwise. Or you might not.

October 07, 2008

And when...

You think you have seen it all, and then something happens.

In this life, something always happens. Even Nothing is perhaps Something. Let us not go into that equation. My blog, which has recently become quite didactic and frenetic (and let us not forget, hectic to read up and remember) is pretty fine. Random people are shifting their blogs to random portals, but I am loyal to blogger. I Blog. Therefore I is. Otherwise I Iz probably.

So where was I? Oh this is a Pujo post. And a post to acknowledge that tomorrow my best friend is celebrating her 24th birthday. Chu, I love you. Even when you're older. Its life. I'm old too. Look look. I'm old and I'm wearing daring jama and all.

Other news: I love Ganges Bank. It is beautiful to trail the sky's blooming blue at five o'clock in the morning, and watch someone taking a dip into the water that supposedly emerged from Shiva's Knot of Hair. I sometimes read up the myths, and I always think... What it took those people to create and believe these explanations to phenomenons before they understood it fully.


japakusuma shankasam

kaashyapeya mahadyutim

tamohrim sarvapapaghna

pranohtasmi diwaakaraha

I wish I could explain to you how I remember myself at three, learning this simple surya shloka with my grandmother who made me look at the early morning sun. She told me not to be afraid of the giant ball of fire... it gives us life, and destroys evil.

Maybe thats why I have become a nightcrawler.

September 30, 2008

Decisions and Dread

So here I am sitting here

Watching the space between us,

And you are

In your own dreams

Lost in the shades of your life...

Oh I want to add an exceptional to the normalcy

That we live

And perhaps

Believe for a while

That this dream of mine lies here, right here,

And we are sitting across the skies and stars, this infinitesimal

Space between us,

Lost and not lost

Unbeknown to all, but here I lie and believe you again....

September 24, 2008

Sounds like....

Like a snowball revolving on and on........

I am here. I am nearly old. I am nearly old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

September 07, 2008

The Memoirs of this Lamentable Mohila.

Mohila

Means Lady. Woman. Female.

I have been addressed as that quite a few times when I was around seventeen. Old and matured at my age, I somehow felt incredibly hurt when some men's eyes would slither all over me and then there would be the deliberate "brushing" against my body... even my forearms were erogenous zones. I hated the way they would comment on my newly and fully developed breasts, my bigger than average buttocks, and my ungainly looks.

"Mohilar jinis achhe guru... Mukh jodio dhuchunir moto..." (the Lady has Stuff to show, though her face looks like shit)

I would cringe sometimes. Sometimes I would try to put up an impassive face to show that they could not hurt me. Sometimes I would glare.

Tales of ineffectuality, that.

Yesterday, I'd just come back from a drive and my best friend had dropped me home. The cell phone's cash charge suddenly diminished to almost nothing, and panicking, I ran to the nearest shop. When I was returning, I found two men starting to comment.

"Jinis mama, jinis. Dekhechis?" (Stuff man, stuff. You See?)

"Dekhechi to dekhechi to.." (I see, I see!)

Comments went on. I was walking. Normal pace. No strange kung-fu stance, or anything. Inside, my body was burning up. I was seeing red as they continued to make comments like this for more than ten minutes. Finally, I decided to put a stop to this.

HALT! PAUSE! TURN!

I looked at two men. One was twenty. The other was younger.

They paused too.

Flash went my camera. Broad street. People passing by. They stared at me in disbelief as I lowered the camera phone.

"Ar ekta kotha bolle ei chhobita niye thanay jaabo ami. Nyakami hochhe?" (One more word and I go to the police with this picture. WTF?)

They begin to say something but I turned away.

I had no other options. Was what I did right? Was it?

All I could feel was my red blood boiling. And the problem was, my stupid camera phone was unable to process the request because of the light.

August 29, 2008

Ulto Bhai-let

I have a new addition to the family. A baby girl who is very pretty and has saxay eyes. Who looks at everyone. I shall be running after boys in about 12 years, waving the then-rusted gun that I wave now at damn boys who mess with my sister. Its becoming more and more a tradition and I'm pretty happy with the outcome. M's nearly fourteen and still not in lou. I still hold the right to let a boy date her, and since I consider that species out of question, until she turns lesbian, she's not getting any anytime soon. She still claims to love Inu Yasha though. I really commend on her enthusiasm. Its been three years, and she has not deviated. Good for her, I say. Shows her faithfulness to that errant dog demon who seem to two time the love(s) of his life.

On the other hand, I have been chastised by the Headmistress who insist on me not sitting on the tabletop and address every senior teacher "didi" and "Apni".... I shall be going "Jeremy" on them very soon if I have my way.

August 19, 2008

Its this....




Suki and me were walking all tralala at Shitty Shentaar and we found this. Right after that, I found hot top that she told me I gotta Have.

Is there some point where you scratch your head and look back and realize that the place that you just were was the place where once upon a time you believed in a lot of things, and then that place was just snatched from right under your feet, and you go, WTF rya??

A few days ago, I wanted nothing more to do with a lot of aspects of life, and now that I am inadvertently involved in it, I have no idea how to extract myself from it... mystified reader, you have my permission to officially desert this post and run the hell away.

System check
: MET DOUBLETAKE DOUBLETHINK. I Like her.

Uh. Back to point one. Peep ree.... I lou you to bitty pieces. Can I immerse you in chocolate sauce and lick you? It will be novel and you shall squirm and go eki mairi (or you might end up competing with me to lick the chocolate, who knows?) but I sincerely need to do something THAT absurd to miss a beat nowadays... I am so totally INTHEBEAT now!!

Agh-race-Shun. BHOTEBHAR.

August 13, 2008

Hoom.

I'm down... and out. My workplace houses cats and kitty-type women who try and destroy others.... cats are better than kitties any day. My students tell me I mingle with them like a friend.

I'm pretty happy. I have suddenly discovered I like how people look at me sometime.

I miss you Chu. I miss you bad.

Its like being happy sometime. Its like being unhappy sometime. I shaking my cozy pheet and being happy sometime.

August 03, 2008

The Merest Hint....

Then the link between the due courses are severed and releashed. Do we care sometimes?


Perhaps not.

What colour is your tears? What?

Out there is a girl who love me. And she left without a trace. Now the city has become my tomb and the streets reek of her, and I can smell the stench of her monthly flow through the gutters, and still I miss her. She chokes me with her un-presence, and I crave her till my throat screams for fluid. I scream for fluidity but I am still the solid piece of flesh that I am.

She's gone.

Yet one more, but so much more...so much more...
What do I do? Where do I go? How must I flow? How? How?

I love you. Wherever you are. My Other. My All. ]

Mine to love, mine to hate, mine to let go and vegetate.

July 05, 2008

The Horse and the Butterfly

No. This ain't no Narnia. Its about two Hindi Movies that has been released on the Fourth of July. And I have seen them, back to back, and am driven to write a review for what a lot of "Intellectual" Bengali people call trashy Bolly drivel and refuse to watch.

How about putting it this way? I have enjoyed the first two odd hours of movie watching so much that I was clapping and humming and jumping around. During the next two, I sat with my hands carefully draped across the seat in the front, trying to wish myself away to Someplace Else (Or even Tantra, for the Ministry of Sound thing yesterday). It could not be helped. It is, as my dear friend Mister Sukumar Roy puts it, "was hanky, now cat." (And yes, thats the correct translation, Peep. So where was I? Oh, of course. The movies. Or rather, the moves. What made Love story 2050 quite unbearable to watch was this really bad script. It was watching the poor Baweja boy struggle through his lines, dripping tears, and reminding me sincerely of Hrithik in Yaadein. I won't even go to the depth of drama he tried to enact, but Pappu, you can dance all you want, but you have dumb eyes. Can you please put on another expression, if possible? Where Hrithik can speak volumes with his, your eyes tell me, when do I dance? I mean, I know, you are an IMPECCABLE dancer, with an incredible sense of timing, and when you dance, your eyes light up. For future reference, I would ask you to participate in dance dramas, and dancy movies, and wear tight tees that show off your male boobies. Please. And you made the movie bearable because I could not really appreciate Priyanka Chopra running around in white, looking like a vestal virgin in one act and this hot red beeyach in another. I believe in all sort of reincarnations, but this was quite ridiculous, watching Hrithik Morph meet Rekha Reincarnate. I wanted to see a movie that was fun and nice, maybe the mistakes leading to a guy suddenly landing up in 2050 and bungling around, which would have been fun. But here there is no light. Here Anakin Skywalker uses tubelights (albeit glowing electric ones, but still...) to fight against the Darth Grover (Hoshi? Joshi? I forgot the name of the villain... not that he was much of a villain anyway, His Royal Evility was the scriptwriter him/herself who forced conversation where none was needed). Baweja beta's only good contribution (apart from the dancything) to the movie was that he can look helpless. But he established himself as the whiny, attention seeking brat, and totally ruined his image for me. And what's with the Age 23 thing?? Is that a talisman against Age 24 and up? Who are you trying to be, born on 13th November, 1984?? And do you expect us to believe that Priyanka (sorry darling) is '86 born?? DEWD!! Get a life!! Even I don't buy that, and let me tell you, I buy a lot of things in life, in general.

All right. I have vented enough bile over the Baweja beta. Lets look at the other half of the party. The film, the beginning reminded me of Chalte Chalte, where this woman is hearing a story from her friends, about a couple. I went... agh. Not again. But then, it began. Imran Khan. I did not really like him much... (I was biased. He was not as pretty as Baweja Boy.. incidentally, a good looking body and face can keep you in a movie hall. I swear), and when he first began, it was pretty upsetting to see a funeral, until the point you realized that just when this movie got serious, it ruined it all and became funny. Oh My God. And was it funny! At one point, I thought my bottom (yes, the fat one) will fall off the seat, because we were going nuts over the movie. I am glad to say, that the guys look so nice together, they just make up a team. Reminded me of our group, with the Singer/Rodlu, the Jignes, the Bombs, the Shaleen, the Jay, the Aditi, the Works, rather. Pappu can't dance. At least not in this movie. He can't sing, apparently (Yes, he was unbearable. I would kill someone cheerfully if he made me listen to Imran Khan ishtyle song at the end of the movie). But everyone was Incredible and so totally supportive of each other. And I loved the character of Meghna... beautiful Meghna who made a life out of illusion and dreams. I could remember a song by Everclear when I saw her eyes as she described her "gorgeous" parents who turned out to be indifferent and drunk.


I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now


The very obvious sigh of "ooh la la" that came from women around the hall as they saw Aditi's boy friend showed their approval of a good looking rascal. And there was never a dull moment. They were not the force-friends or force-scientists, or force-anythings of anyone. They were humans, all living human passions embedded within them. I told myself that the ending made Aditi (I cannot think of her as anything else) look kind of a turn off with the short hair, but the strength came from within the movie, to see them all in action, so totally wonderful together. And not in the Everclear sense. I could feel the sadness, I could feel the "Lou" and I could feel the emotions that came from within. The horse motif was a bit of an overkill. In dreams, in discs, on the road, in carriages, even on the wall... horses were everywhere. But well, it was bearable compared to the cupid-fly.

Baweja Boy repeats, "I don't need luck, I have love." Here's the deal; you shall get love from the parents. If they are not mad enough to kill you because I believe you have just made them and the other poor sods who foolishly believed in time travel 80 odd crores lighter. I guess you need a time traveling device now. To run away to 2050 when you (hopefully) won't be recognized.

If only they made more movies like they do at the Aamir House. Jaane tu... implies the coming of a new trend, that was pioneered by Jab We Met and it reminded me once again, that just when you thought it was over, Picture tab bhi baaki tha, mere dost !!

June 25, 2008

the spirit of the age

Success!!

I HAVE MADE COFFEE RUM AND KAHLUA!!!

June 20, 2008

System Check.

Paul Simon is a rock in the background, peppery liquid running down my throat. The smell of burning paper pervades my nostrils, and yet another day passes in the same way thousand others have, and I move a day closer to ...?

For me you contain within you

All my perfume, all my bile, and all my disfigured cells.

For me you take a shape

And gently melt when I ask you to.

June 03, 2008

Some Trivial Days.

So yesterday was a fabulous day. My Kaka (sort of complicated this. My uncle lives in the same house as me and we are very close... he is my Grandfather's stepbrother's son) turned 35 yesterday and we went out to celebrate with Dadu and Didun (his parents). My Kakima is heavily pregnant, so she could not go and berated us on the phone as we had fun. We ordered food we could not finish and cold drinks because my uncle's a teetotaler. And in the night I went for a bike ride. Just like old times. We had cold coffee at Gautam's at 12 in the night and we sneaked in because we did not want Dadu-Didun to be upset and awake. But they were, and we sang songs and I was thinking of the numerous times Dadu had had me down from a tank, rescued me from a street fight, or played with my GI Joes, and sang songs together like this. My parents hate them, though. For them, my Dadu-Didun are nonexistent, though they dote on my kaka and kakima.

My Dadu died this morning. He left us in his sleep, a half-smile curved to his lips. And all I could think of was that he was planning a baby shower for my Kakima on Friday. I don't think there will be any now.

Rest in Peace. I love you.

May 20, 2008

Narcissus

The wind burst and breathed around me,

Twirling in naked magery, the short

Spurts of musky rain enveloping

My very soul.


Its going to rain.


Rain creeps up and soaks all

With its dim moistness, swirling

Its way into the bones of the coconut

Trees, and the almond shaped drops

Soaked me to my skin.


And still, it was to rain.


The pain washed off the days of my life

I sat on a table top, wondering if that

Day would come when it would rain.


But its raining already. Can't you hear

The drops

Of Neptune

Falling from the sky?


Its going to...


You washed the pieces of broken crockery on the sink.

You prayed in front of the potted idol.

You wasted the breaths unnecessarily,

But I thought it was needed to make you happy.


You called and waited

Beneath the coconut trees

But he never showed up.

You did all the right things

But the real dread behind all

Was behind the one person whom you

Did not tell.


And you lay on the dust of your spirits,

Reclined on your skull

And gasped at the beauty of it.


The bones shattered, rattled, broke

Under you

And you fell into a chasm of silence

Where nothing existed but you.

And you blessed yourself because there was no one left to bless.

He never came under the coconut tree.

You stooped and picked up the rib

That was once you

And broke it into half

And you took the pieces and made them into a pair

And the two ribs led separate lives

Happily ever after.


The myth was for them. It was not for you.

It is not for me.


It will be never for us. Not for you and I.

May 13, 2008

Random conversation.

me: you completely took a wrong turn!!
you: don't think i said anything wrong at all...
you: where did I take a wrong turn?
me: oh yes!! you did not. you merely became frigid and said adios senorita!!
you: you should have brought me back on road...
you: held my hand...
you: and brought me back on the right track...
me: me?? i never bring anyone back. I never hold hands, I run on my own road.
you: ok..
you: I will keep that in mind...
me: if someone follows... they soon lose track
you: ok...
you: what if they use a chopper? Will that help?
me: I will go down the trench babe
you: what if they use a mine drilling equipment?
you: will that help?
me: i shall fly away then
you: ok...
you: what if they have James Bond's rocket back pack?
you: will that help?
me: then i shall become invisible
me: or use nitro and just zoom away.
you: what if they have the latest ray refracting machine?
you: will that help?
you: what if they have capt.spock's nitro rocket?
me: i shall vapourise and turn into a mist and just go
you: will that help?
me: nope
you: what if they have a mist sucking machine?
me: then i shall turn into vampire bats and suck blood out of all and be very happy.
you: what if they have watched the movie 'bats' and know all the methods of capture?
you: will that help?
me: why are we doing this?




We were young people who ran. And ran and ran and ran. We looked no where but towards us. We were unbeatable, indomitable, our head in the clouds. We ran so fast that we never saw what was coming. We never did.

And we were running in different streets with no aim, no way to find, no where to go. We were just running. But then, she crashed into someone and held on. And I tumbled. I tumbled and ran on. We were two people in two different places both with the same aim to reach the mark. But what mark? What? We did not know. We did not know what mark but we loved running free like a wild wild wild thing that did not know where to end. Where to stop. And where to go.

Its been a while. I look for someone to crash into. But I am also afraid of him. That’s why people surround me. Its easy to get lost when you have plenty of people around you.

May 11, 2008

Its A Steal!!

I have lost the cellphone again.

A thief stole it while stealing other things as well. Like my purse and my I-pod.

Apparently I had a conversation with him while I was sleeping.


It went like this.

[Middle of the night. I feel hands rummaging through my side. Sleepily I begin]

Me: (Ke?) Who's this?

Thief: Ami.(Its me.)

Me: Ami? Ami Ke? Ar Phone Nichho Keno? (Me? Me who? And why are you taking my phone?)

Thief: Ma chaichhe. (Mother wants it)

Me: Keno? O to use korte jane na... (Why? She does not know how to use it...)

Thief snaps back: Ami ki jani keno chaichhe... chaichhe tai dichhi. (How do I know why she wants it. I just know she does)

Me : oh okay.

[I go back to sleep.]

I got completely freaked when I saw what had happened. And police enquiry people laughed their heads off when they heard it.

They weren't laughing when they found a knife though. One of those with old bloodstains on it.

May 07, 2008

Hero

Hold it tighter

Your knuckles white

Against the slickly advertised phone

Your hair cut in a strange crop

You are the model of greatness

When you run with them.



Who are they you ask?

Why, those who love you!

Your perfect abs and hips

Your devil-may-care smile

And all the girls die at the drop of a line...


Come to them.

They will

Feed you the Dionysian fruits

And I shall watch them,

My hair unbound, the way you like it

My face unmoving and strong,

I gave you my all,

And tonight you are strange

The perfect locks of your hair shaking

When your gaze falls on me



And its all there. Its all there in

The precious darkness where nothing else works,

Only you and I cling

In that darkness I call insecurity.

May 03, 2008

Of Pune and Good Eats

So I have become addicted to this. Oh My Effing Lord, THIS is brilliant.


SO. Marriages sort of cloud the family again. It seems I have endless cousins all of marriageable age, and all of them are surrendering their effing wickets like Knight Riders and feeling happy about it and its my turn next everywhere and I don't know whattodo OMG I sound paranoid now...


Which I am.

Its allgood though.

After Dorabjee's, it is.

I first heard about it when I was 10. I have people visiting Pune for a long time and EVERYONE told me about that place. And so I went.

Sorry. I cannot describe the food. It is. Out. Of. This. WORLD.

I will just post another picture. Y'all can drool.



Needless to say, the chicken was AMAZING. The chicken mushroom pie was succulent and tender. The Lemon tart was just There to make me happy, and the caramel custard Pudding was OMG.

I want to go back there. Again.

April 17, 2008

Hush... now...

I went there with a friend to try out the fare of Hushh at City Centre. We entered and I was struck by the simple decor, with a lot of rot Iron settings and tables with beautiful balsamic vinegar and olive oil Jars that quite caught my attention. I ordered a simple fare... The attendants were nice and knew what they were talking about. The Tomato Basil Soup came first, with little crostinis, followed by Potato Gnochhi in Spinach Sauce. I was enamoured with the soup and the succulent gnochhi. Its quite hard to prepare a good gnochhi, as I have had bad experience with them in the past. Most of the times, Indian chefs fail to understand what EXACTLY gnochhi is... but this particular person was fantastic. Following that came a pizza, I ordered the Pizza Con Frutti De Mare , since I have heard of their fine crust and hand-tossed quality. My calamari pizza contained fantastic seafood, and I believe its the best I have had... and I have had that at other places like Fire-n-Ice and ITC. The pizza was crispy at the base, and scrummy in the centre, the cheese not too overpowering, rather, complimenting the essence of prawns and squid. I also tried out the Chicken and Mushroom Risotto, which was perhaps a bit of a disappointment, for it tasted slightly like rice boiled in mushroom soup and chunks of chicken thrown in. But the Parmesan cheese helped and so did the basil, and overall it tasted quite good. My friend had no such issues, she consumed it with gusto. I tried out the dessert, which was Tiramisu, and Kahlua Mousse.... It was simply heaven. Thank you attendant for your exceptional taste.

The bill came around a thousand for two. Probably Rs.1065 or something like that. I strongly recommend this place because of its laid-back ambiance and quality food.

Restaurant wise on a scale of 10 it gets an 8.

Food Wise - 8.5

Service - 8.

April 15, 2008

To All the Girls I have Loved Before.....

I ADMIT IT. I still love you all.

I will keep at it, I promise. Just that... I am Still Straight.


Unfortunately.

April 09, 2008

Soothing Sounds...

They hit you when you least expect it.


You feel lulled, put to sleep, exhausted. Life.

We all have head in the clouds and we run through life so fast that later we look back and realise we did not know where we were going, just that we were. Somewhere. Its always like that. My earliest memory of me is not being ejected out of my mother's womb but of a little girl being bathed by an assortment of people around her. And the moments crowd in sometimes. I write of them... and I remember and forget. What remains is this little sound.... and when we hear it we close our eyes and pretend we are sleeping and nothing can touch us. Me and Panu. We do that all the time.

April 02, 2008

From Suki...

I was perusing through Suki's blog and I came across a tag. Which basically means I am bunking work again... but its allgood. I really don't want to do most of the things that I am doing right now, one of those might read this post and allow himself a laugh at my expense. Smile, friend. I shall have the last one.

So SUKI.... AHEM.

This is the point when I say... I don't like you. Because YOU, My dear Sister-in-Law... have not BLOGROLLED Me. I do not like you I repeat.

Tag :

Ten things you wish you could say to people right now ( don’t take names)

10. Go away.

9. Leave me alone.

8. Please do the aforementioned before I get annoyed.

7. Come back.

6. Please.

5. I don't like this.

4. Do you think this is a good idea?

3. I think somebody shrunk your head a bit more than my liking. Or are you always like this?

2. Pathetic. Sad.

1. (With gleaming eyes) Should you lose weight?

NO.


Nine things about yourself

9. Bike/car rides. Especially in the middle of the night. I heart.

8. A smile. Because you are standing there with your heart in your smile, looking at me as if I am the only thing in this whole wide world.

7. No judge of character I am. I don't like evaluating people. Completely makes me feel like a dissected animal.

6. I detest backbiters. And Liars. I'm very honest. With everything. Whatever I feel, I do, I express.

5. If I like something, I tell. If I love, I don't. Queer, right? But its like that.

4. I actually believe in true love and soulmates. (Yes, right!! But still...)

3. I am very quiet when I want to be. Comfortable silences I have shared with some people and they are something that I cherish.

2. I am a people person. It means I love being with people. I like them. In general. But I am also very random. I flit. From one to another.

1. I am. Panu. Myself. Its all here and I love me. A lot.

Eight ways to win your heart

8. Just be yourself.

7. Don't lie.

6. Do something simple, but it will show you care.

5. Smile. In the way that makes me feel I am the only girl in the world.

4. Listen.

3. Talk to me. Tell me who you are.

2. Don't let me go. Because when I go, I don't return.

1. Love me. No matter what, or who, or why... just do. Don't question me. Just accept me.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot

7. Why am I here?

6. What am I doing?

5. Am I sure this is okay?

4. Did I just say too much?

3. Is he/she okay with me (this I ask my friends quite a lot)?

2. Is this what I want?

1. When will you come?

Six things you wish you never did

6. Ran away.

5. Loved somebody so deep that it hurt.

4. Trusted someone. Who was not worth it.

3. Like chocolates. You are the bane of my bod.

2. Made friends with Kaichu. I cannot accept how incredible you are. I shall kill myself of inferiority complex one day.

1. Fallen for YOU.

Five Turn offs

5. Bad breath.

4. Passivity.

3. Lost-soul dialogue.

2. Armists.

1. Acid-tongue.

Four turn ons

4. Silence. On the other side of the phone, or on the other side of the room, when I can imagine/see exactly what he feels.

3. A good perfume. Especially male ones. Denim. But I also love the smell of roses (yes, typically female... but there you go!!)... and the slight scent of cinnamon. Also of lemon. And Lavender.

2. Tattoos.

1. A grin. At a right moment. Accompanied with a little gleam off the corner of one eye.


Three things you want to do before you die

3. Bungee Jump.

2. Love like a romantic. Effing Hell!! I shall go back and jump off the nearest cliff.

1. Teach. As a prof. Put a doctor before my name.


Two smileys that describe you

=))

;)


One confession

I WANT to go to Goa. With Peep and K and P and D. Nobody else.



I tag No one. Thank you Suki.

March 26, 2008



"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it cause if we actually felt it, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your hearts too big."

- R.C. Boys


It just hurts sometimes and you don't know why. This itch that becomes a raw scraping wound. So you put ice on it and wait for it to die down. It doesn't hurt then. But you know. You just know when the ice melts and its back again.

I can't stop loving, but. I tried. Truly I did. But I can't. So this here is my state. I am.

March 25, 2008

Reporting an Incident

It was a cold day in December.

She sat on the rickety chair and could not believe her eyes when she read that 718 Quintal of rice have been wasted within 16 kilometers of a place where people died of starvation.

She sat and read the report that suggested that three-months' worth food grains should not be transported to hard-to-access places during the monsoons when there would be floods and the material would be stored under open air. She retched as she read that most of it had to be disposed off because of a rodent infestation, but whatever the villagers could salvage from the rodents, they ate. They fell sick too. Plague. Half the village was no more in a few days. But then, these were landless workers. They did not have land. They did not have possession.

The report went on to the poor Anganwadi worker who wore her blue sari and carried out her duties with rigorous faith. She was not paid for her extra efforts to make the food that was doled out for free more tasty. Rather, she paid out of her own pocket to feed the 150-odd people who needed food. If not rice, then the water in which it had been boiled fyan. The poor woman was finally paid some of the money when she displayed receipts for whatever she could get to the distant district office after she'd been there multiple times. And her efforts were discouraged.

"Gorib lokeder eto ichhe thaka bhalo noy." (The poor should not have so many wishes) was what was written by an officer.

Picture this. India is no longer a developing country. This has stopped. And now we look forward to our future. We look.

March 19, 2008

Armist.

So where was I? Oh yes.

I was on a public bus. Its one of those nicer ones where you get to sit by the large window that keep on streaming all the polluted air in and you breathe in and out, listening to soft rock and basically feel like going to sleep. Around eight in the evening, this is quite a common scenario when you live the life of Panu. That is, when you are not trying to kill your baby sister with a blunt knife or when you are trying to make head or tail or any other part of anatomy (Insert name here) of course.


Umm, okay, so there I was sitting peacefully... there were very few people who were sitting in the bus and lots of empty window seats (Incredible windows, I daresay. Huge, with only one rod to stop me from falling out.... and it has to be pretty huge for me to fall off!)... yes, yes, You are in love with this bus already. If you are not, thats fine too.

All of a sudden, this man just sits beside me. In his end twenties, this guy is handsome, in a florid, rice-eater sort of way. Me not really like.

So why me? I ask myself. Why not the entire bus which has window seats?

Whatever, I go back looking outside.

About three minutes later, I hear a stilted... "Hehekkhiyuj Meeeheee" and I looked at him.

"What?" I ask, with raised eyebrow.

"Do you believe in astrology?"

Dammit. Weakness one. Shit.
I curse. "Yes. I mean. A bit."

Dude gets all smiles. Oh Ef. Wrong Answer.

"I want to do something, please. If you don't mind. Will you please let me do something? "

OhefohEfohefOHEFFFFFFffffffff........ nononono no Panu no rey no nononono.....

"What?"
I ask.

"I am a palmist. Actually. I am someone who does this by touching the arm. Would you let me see your nature?? Please??" puppy dog eyes that says...Pretty Please with sugar on top?

No no no. Don't fall for that one. Don't FALL FOR THAT ONE....

"How do you do that?"

Curiosity is a bad thing. It killed the cat. And I am a pussy at that.

In reply, florid armist grabs hold of my upper arm through my top. He gives my arm muscles a squeeze and (pant pant) says "You are pursuing science."

"Nope."

"No wait... Commerce"

"No.

"Arts."

Oh WOW. HOW DID YOU KNOW? I could be so many more things apart from that!! Like a sucker. With the words "SUCK ME" written on my forehead!!!

"You have passed your Grads?"

"Um. Yes. I have."

"Oh good." Man brightens visibly. "You are very creative. You paint, right?"

"Um no. Actually, I can't. Eki Eki can I have my arm back please?"

"You should pursue media. That's your line. You should be a set designer."

Sure. I can so totally imagine you in a microwave, being gently revolved with a touch of rosemary. And maybe some white wine while we are at it.

"Oh. Can I have my arm back?" This time I extract arm. Too disgusting touchwise. Man grabs arm. I shake it off. Ignore The Guy.

"Please let me tell you some more about you... please? You are very stubborn, you know."

He He. Stoppit awlready.

Ignore Mode On. I look at him. "Please go. I don't want this."

Man tries to say something else. Looks at my eyes. Leaves. Go Go, and DON'T return.

Yes I have sucker written all over me right now. I have been arm-handled.

March 16, 2008

Mado

Intoxicating. Mado. Mado............

Intriguing. Right from day One. PM's Tuition.

Mado Mado.....

The day we met after class. Saru and Saddy saddled between us. There was no one else.

He came in much late. He looked and loved you.

I stared at you. Mado. I was speechless.


Three years past.
A broken, whispered "no" and I was shattered.

Mado on the other side of the net. Sitting, staring blankly at the screen. No more was the dream

And one evening... I saw a mad girl screaming.

A bone-crushing hug, and I was healed.

The stars in your eyes now. On the phone you imparted the news.

And I was speechless.


Now. You are someone else. Slightly same, but still someone else. And I love you.

All the same.

Mado. Mado. My Mado.










Ask nothing more of me, sweet,

All I can give you, I give..............

March 10, 2008

I want You... I'm not gonna cry.

I need you. But then, there is this thing deep inside of me that I hate about me. Its someone else inside me and I hate that core.


The Key


Dream about me for the rest of your days
Like lightning tearing the darkness
With the jagged light, enough to stun.

Why is it always this way?

The frightening feeling of emptiness deep within
That threatens to encapsulate the very deph of me
But no, there lies the hope of the broken images that flit
Across the bottom of my ragged feet
Tears me apart with the force of truth
The light fantastic, the light so incadescently bright
The dream of something better, far away
In the distant fairylands
That beckons me to let go
Of the control I insist
On my self

Tear apart the seams of my being
And let loose the beast within
The darkness within that threatens to choke
My spirit.

I stand in the middle of nowhere
Between the darkness and light
And I search for the key
That would merge them into grey.

And I shall fade into sepia-sweet memories
Live and die within those bounds
Pounding the walls to let my self free from it all
And turn away to rise,
Then slowly fall.


February 29, 2008

I got tagged. Quite unsuspectingly by This Person. I was quite innocuously going through blog after blog when I read the post and fell for the game. Damn the GHM (Georgette Heyer Man).

I fell in love with Georgette Heyer when I was a wee lass of 14. My friend Ria was an addict, and she got me hooked by providing me my first one, called The Spanish Bride. Needless to say, I was quite charmed by Juana and Harry, and from then on, went through them like a warm knife through butter. It took me to college street when I was in Class X. I would go with 10 rupees in my pocket, roam around, get myself dirty with the grime coated books that the book seller would try to sell me at 15 rupees but I would staunchly stick to 7 (because the return bus ticket cost 3 rupees). In the end, I would go home, the proud owner of one book.

One book led to two, three... and soon I realized that I was gathering quite a collection.

Anyway, back to my story about the GHM. I fell in love with Vidal, the young Marquis of Devil's Cub. I was enamoured by this bad boy simply because I have a thing for a smattering of goodness in roguery. Tom Jones was my type, Byron was my type, Mickey Rourke was my type. I always had the dream of charming a bad boy to fall for me. Of taming a tough guy.

God, I sound like the blurb of a Mills and Boon. But then again, its my Mills and Boon. I read them too. The more outrageous the better. It reminds me of those impossibly scary teen age when I was nothing but a mass of quaking nerves, waiting on the threshold of adulthood with bated breath, waiting... watching people all around her fall in love, and be "happily ever after"(or so they thought then) and waiting.

I still wait. I know he will come. Some day.

February 28, 2008

Because I do not hope to turn...

Ah well, I turned.

Yes. This is one of those posts.

So where do I begin? Oh, ok. Enough with the tags and emo things. I like them a lot and they will keep coming back, but well, as a good friend of mine said (and I agreed) :

"I have a Dream. A Wet Dream."



So the Mother's pissed with me because *apparently* I've been the perfect example of the Disgraceful Daughter who *shock yourself please* comes home at 10 p.m. in the night, wearing *GASP... LOOKIT THAT* a shameless grin on her face and a random apology, and without so much a by-your-effing-leave opens the fridge, takes out a few rashers of bacon and calmly fries them at high heat.

PORK IN THE HOUSE!! PIG ALERT!!!

And this glutton lifts up her eyes, eyes her, casts her eyes down and chews some more of the greasy, crispy-chewy bacon that she'd painstakingly acquired from New Market.


In other news, a friend of mine OD'd on Grass. Now that this topic has come up, let me tell you, its (as far as I have observed) impossible to OD on Grass. On further inspection it was revealed that the Grass was accompanied with a few drinks of vodka+rum+fine irish whiskey+ chocolate-chip Icecream and Cocaine.

Even without the final ingredient, the recipe is enough to give a girl a cholesterol attack.

Someone described me as warm and fuzzy. So now I am a myopic thermal blanket. Ah well, if its too cold I can always wrap myself around me.

Am I making any sense in this post?

Did'nt think so too.

But its okay. Pierce Brosnan's on TV. No I will not ask him to get down. He is right now effing the daylights out of Rene Russo. (You got it... its the Thomas Crown Affair. And its UNCENSORED because its on Cable).

Let me just sigh for a few moment and think about a certain butt while you shake your head and curse yourself for reading crap.

February 25, 2008

Shuddup Awlready !! I'm Thinking!

Where there is an Emo Kid, there is a little Tag with it.


Life Ten Years Ago


How far do you remember the girl with tightly curled hair who loved fighting with boys and tried to juggle thrust-upon sisterhood and motherhood? My sister. My world at that time centered around her. Silences. Long ones. From me. Screams and catcalls.Ei meyeta boro hoye kissu parbe na. Kissu hobe na, shudhu gilbe. Unwanted touches from strangers in trains/buses/autos. Three-inch high heel was ground on one of their toes. Fights with boys. Torn shirt and bloody lips.
Red lipstick and my experiments with life. Aware that the upper body was not as flat as before. TNT and Gene Kelly. Roshun. Gargi. Abby. Rumela. Lock-and-Key. Sayani's Boyfriends.

Life Five Years Ago

PM's classes. Saru's jokes. Green Benches. S. Gargi and Suchismita. High Priestess ship of Michaelangelo Brigade. The bookworm who loved seeing Father Eaton's face when it broke into a smile. Made him look like a jacket potato about to be peeled. Nihil Ultra. Fights continued. Constant worry over where the fees were coming from and how much every single thing cost. Money. The walks to Sir's place and a shared rum ball because we were paupers. Pujo and Olypub. Getting caught drinking by best friend.


Life Tomorrow

Not very concerned bout it right now. I have stuff to translate.


Five Locations I would like to Run Away To

Goa.

Bangalore.

Hawaii.

Delhi.

London.



Five Bad Habits I have

Only Five?


Too aggressive.

Too messy.

Too open.

Too politically incorrect.

Too outspoken.

Many more I have. As someone never fail to point out.

Five Things I Will Never Wear

I shall never wear nipple rings. There!

Until it is ABSOLUTELY NEEDED or I AM NOT AWARE OF IT, I shall never wear fur.

I shall never wear guilt. I shall shed it as soon as possible.

Or vanity.

And I shall never wear a fake smile when I don't feel like it. I shall never wear rationality around me while I can feel. If that makes me stupid or anything else then I am willing to be that as long as I know what I run after. And no one shall make me believe otherwise. I am happy exactly the way I am. And I WILL NOT change. With all my flaws.


Five Biggest Joys at This Moment


S got through TCS.

The Sister's massaging my aching back as I type.

Andro called five minutes ago.

The Weather.

I am alive. With the adrenaline pumping.

Something to Achieve By Next Year

Happiness. In the form of a lot of things.

Something that Impacted Me Last Year

Andro Left.

What I will Miss About 2007

2007 was probably one of the worst years of my life. Still, I shall miss JUDE. And the time I spent training with Shataaf.

Five things I want to do before I die

Love. Because I know I am worth it.

Study. Because I love it.

Be a mother. Because I know I can bring a life to this world and nurture it.

Do at least Half of the Crazy Wishes I have in my Head. Not keep any regrets there.

Go places. Because I want to see and live free like the Bohemian I am at heart.


I tag nobody since no one tagged me. Did this because I like this tag a lot. Its quite doable and you, reader can do it too. I won't mind. Just tell me after you do so that I can have a peek at it.


February 20, 2008

There was One...

The wet sound of rain is all around me.

School. Its what shapes you when you grow up. Because all through your childhood, you are obsessed about it. Education.

Nearly six years ago seven people made a plan. They were the Scarlet Pimpernel, members of an all-virgin group of girls who promised to meet each other on 20th February 2008 no matter where they were in this world. They were invincible in their friendship, so certain nothing could tear apart the bond they had.

I went to the little niche under which they used to meet. I vandalized private property by scribbling out "P***** was here, 20/02/08" on the dark, moss-covered wall, with a piece of brick. It will be covered by moss again. Soon.

Adt is married. She is planning to go to Ireland. So is Roshun. She is busy working in Bangalore. Pulo has become a Chef in Oberoi Mumbai. Rumela's got the job of her dreams in HDFC. Ria is in Hawaii, doing her research work. Sayani's busy flying at Kingfisher.

Work. Friends. People. They change. And you change with them. Even if the Eucalyptus trees bear the carved out promise of coming back, you don't. Only the memory remains, and then it fades silently against the rain that soaks through my skin.

February 15, 2008

The Masterpiece.


The Sister's came first in All India Painting Competition 2007 in her group. The picture she drew there is not this one. Its something else. But this one's up on my blog. She's 13.

And if I look at a paintbrush, the damn thing breaks.

So she's kinda awesome at this painting business.


I have kinda speechless moments now. I'd like to sob and go boo-hoo-hoo a bit if she was not such a brat. But she is. And I won't. She's worth spanking.

Thats all folks. According to The Pig.

February 10, 2008

On Manyness.

Er.

This post is for the ONE WHO TAGGED ME. You vicious thing, you.

Achha wait na... I shall tag. JustYouGuysWait.


Er. This tag is about my posts. Quite embarrassed I am with them right now. I don't think I have that many post that I should keep here. Okwell, lets see now. Lets see.

On Family, eh? Ah yes. I have had lots of things to write about the family. I personally think family posts are pretty entertaining. I have to first look at The Dose.

Then there were the posts about the marriages. Oboy. Here it is.

And then there were about the theory of relativity. Hem Hem.

And about the sister and random people. This one's about the sister's obsession about Inu Yasha. And this one's about a moment with my father. And random drunkenness.

All older posts. Commemorating memories. Looking at what once was, what once had been.


On Friends.

My favourite one's this one. For four people who matter a lot.

There is this one for my soul. She is. I could not decide whether to put it under love or friends. Here goes this one in friends.

This one's a day with her.

This
one's for my first best friend.


And this one's for all of them. All those who matter.
Random posts I like are these.

One for Cassini's.

One that has two poems in it.

One with a fudge brownie recipe in it.

One that is filled with weddings, cell, and a name.

And one that has a description of Vote in JUDE.



On LOVE and SUCHLIKE.

This, This, This, This, or This.

On Myself.

Er. Very hard to select.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Thats about it.

Please to look for them. Its a long list.

OBoy. I tag Suki. And I tag Dhruva. And anyone else who would like to do this.

January 27, 2008

I'm Good.

No Not in the sense of Goodness or so. Its just that, I've been posting sort of exceptionally emo stuff on my blog and though people identify with it, I realize that this is only the sick-rose me who's like counting another year without a valentine or anything related to love and allthat.

Yes, er... frustration I guess. Its a bit like gas. Its sort of uncomfortable around your chest, but once you've belched it out, it gets better, though your stomach hurts a bit afterwards.

Umm. Bad image.

Change topic.

A big heart. I heart one big heart shaped chocolate that I saw today when I was out with Sandy. Ooh. Big chocolate.

Yes I am fishing for chocs.

Ah, and I am leaving for a Vacation. Because I need some time to recover from all that has been going on till now.

Oh dear Lord... YES!!! I am. Finally.

And with someone I love.

YesYESyesYesYES!!!!

Oh yes.

Its going to be cold there. And there shall be booze.

Peep's boycotting V-day.

I would not do that if I were her. I would not. Its just not fair to not give the old saint a chance. I shall so do something crazy this year. And I would not mind doing that, too.

People have random crushes on other people all around me. Ah! Love is in the air.

Or in people's heart at least.

I wrote this poem a year ago. It was pretty er... but I guess I have the time to waste and because its my blog, I can do anything... and if someone does not like the way I write he/she can just click the mouse on the x and be off.

I'll wipe the pages clean

And start afresh.

No more of mismatched lines

Where the rhythm shall miss

The flow.


Therefore I'll be a bubbling brook

Flowing where life should go...

And this pen and paper

Are too narrow to stop me.

I shall go beyond the words

And my meaning will show

Through something more than

The mere words that trap me.

January 25, 2008

You again!

So what if one day I look into your eyes and see nothing but friendship? I can and do live with it. Even if I know that inside I am being smothered by that friendship, I can never tell you what you mean to me and how much I need you or silly things like that which comes between you and me.

You know, that is the problem. We are similar people who are afraid of each other. Afraid? No no. Wary is more like it. We move around the topic, skirt around the game, but we both know one day its going to be out.

And I know you can't handle the truth so why don't you sit on your pretty ass and smile back? Why take those moments to watch me (and I know when you watch me when you think I am not aware) and then pretend nothing is up? Why make those moments of non-performance with me? Why?

I want to tear you apart and see what you are inside. I want to chew your guts and ingest them. I want to make you such a part of me that you won't know where I begin and you end.

But I won't.

Because for my life, I shall never tell you what you are and how much you mean to me. Even after what we have done. Even after this whole mess.

I won't. Just you see. You were different once. Now you are not. Now you are not.

January 24, 2008

Not too Far...

I just realized today that I have been doing things and thinking... Ah, one day I shall look back at this and laugh.

I think I am making memories. Making up the "Good Old Days" which I shall recall when I sit beside another nutter in an old-age home (though I have serious doubts about reaching that age... with my repute I shall probably be long dead).

Anyway, memories. Memories. They are so weird sometimes. You think of something and then Poof! Its there in a flash. Like its happening again right in front of you. And you can't change it. Ever.

You know, I realized that its always the Good Old Days we look to. Even when we are kids, every moment forward is a sort of degradation. Its like, you are yearning from some past memory, a point in the past when you did this or That. I do not know what... but somehow its this insatiable need to be back to a point when you were .... should I call it Innocent? No. Its more... Uncorrupted.

Blake-ian.

I wrote something in my diary three years ago. Its true on retrospect. I promised to myself that there would be a knight in a shining armour for me too. One day, I will be like Rapunzel (without the long hair of course) and someone will help me escape and then take care of me. Now I have found the Knight.

Unfortunately when I peered inside the shining helmet, I found a mirror.

Long walks help. Music helps. This incurable hunger, loneliness... I am like a wolf searching... sniffing... thirsting.... but then, I am too much of a free-spirit to ever settle down with one individual. I shall probably crave freedom after awhile. Love is attached to a kind of confinement, not in itself, but what it entails is confining. That is why being in love hurts so much, because you are constantly struggling with the confinement around you, and you cannot explain how badly it hurts. You only feel the taste of what it does to you.


Oh My God. Please do not tell me I have been spending time to write this. Who reads this anyway? I shall be splendidly cook-y and give recipes for rum balls soon.

January 20, 2008

Fudge Brownies, anyone?

The last three days were like whirlwind. Shook me up.

Beautifully.

I love this sense of being driven from one extreme to another... floating aimlessly anywhere... and loving that feeling all the while. It is like when you least expect life to turn up trumps, it does.

So Tim Supple has become the talk of this town with his adaptation of A Midsummer Night's Dream. I sat on the fourth row the first time I saw it with Chu. I was mesmerized. Wow was the only word that could ever describe what I felt. I felt like I was floating in unreality.... and the experience was repeated when I saw it the following day with P from the last row on top... and it was the same. P claimed it was something out of a dream. "As if... this is no longer Kolkata... I am in some place that is unreal."


The only flaw that I thought was perhaps there... was the handling of Titania's speeches. But otherwise, the play was all good. And the score was brilliant. The wild frenzy and the mild jingles mingled merrily at the end, and I stood up and clapped. I could not believe the beauty of it... no matter where I sat.

Okay, so I drank a few glasses of rum and realized I was supposed to bake brownies for the picnic the next day, and it was One in the morning. So, all right... with shaking hands and giggling mouth, I proceeded to make brownies. Thank the Lord I had everything in hand, otherwise they would've been all messed up.

At this point, Statutory claim : Please try this at home, y'all.AND THIS MEANS YOU, CHOCOLATE ADDICTS!!

What I did was take around 125 gms of soft butter and whip it till its creamy and fluffed up like ruffled feathers.... then I dampened all the enthusiasm of it by pouring in a cup of sugar and smooshed it. It went all buttery sugar-ball mixture. At that point I added around 5 eggs (Mind, I am cooking for 15 people here) and sort of whipped them around. When I, in my drunken stupor, stopped feeling up the side of the fridge for an entrance, I got half a jar of condensed milk out of it, and poured whatever I could not gulp down my throat fast in the mixture. I sort of stir it around a bit, just to get the flavour going.

Now, the flour. My difficulty was in getting the measure of flour and baking powder together. In the end I sort of gave up on the baking powder, and added what I thought was a teaspoon to it. I really don't know the finer details, but I think I did pour it in the bowl of flour (around 350 gms of it).

Then came the difficult part. Breaking and melting.

The CHOCOLATE.

I could not believe it when I found out Milk Compound (that is semisweet cooking chocolate) for 95 bucks (for 500gms) from New Market. I got it and i broke around 3/4th of the chocolates.

Now I think I added around 2/3rd of the chocolate nuggets into the damn brownies. The rest I melted and then added. By this time the flour went in, with around 50 gms of cocoa powder and a cup of boiling water after the whole thing looks slightly dry. At this point I put in 100gms of walnuts, but if you want you can avoid it. The rest is mix-tory. I seriously don't remember pouring it in the greased baking tin. I remember putting it to bake at 180 degrees, but thats because thats the preset of our oven.

Okay, so there I was in all my drunken glory, when I hear a scream.

I ran out, and I found our driver's second wife and his girlfriend standing outside our house, making a big racket.

WTF?

So apparently, the driver got drunk and threatened them with a knife. They immediately complained to the cops who shoved him in the lock-up. He went in quite happily, claiming... "Dada chharabe" (assumed my dad will bail him out). They came over, panicked, that my dad, the sucker he is, shall do exactly that. They did not want him out.

Oh damn! There goes my car and driver. I can't drive!!

I sort of stayed up all night, because by the time this was over, it was three in the morning, and the brownies were done. Do you guys think I stood there and wrung my hands and thought ... OH DEAR LORD, A LARGE BATCH OF BROWNIES.... WHAT DO I DO!??!

Hah!

So I knocked down copious amount of the brownies... still lava hot because the chocolate chunks inside have melted, and downed them. The rest I frosted with white chocolate melted together with butter.

Comments about the brownies went like "Go Die Cookie Jar!!" and "Panu You Have Created Sin."

The Picnic. Oh man!! It was awesome!! I love The Tramp, Dhruva and Peep. They were AWL fabulous. I even have pictures of Peepsy being fabulous.

Aw HOW WE ARE WONDERFUL NOWADAYS.

I Loved the Day. I wish It would have never ended. It was beautiful. From dawn to dusk. And even after that.

By the way, the day ended with a few glasses of Absolut Vodka.

Ah, I love this life as of now.

Yes Yes I am hedonistic.

But hey, Its nice.