The Merest Hint....

Then the link between the due courses are severed and releashed. Do we care sometimes?


Perhaps not.

What colour is your tears? What?

Out there is a girl who love me. And she left without a trace. Now the city has become my tomb and the streets reek of her, and I can smell the stench of her monthly flow through the gutters, and still I miss her. She chokes me with her un-presence, and I crave her till my throat screams for fluid. I scream for fluidity but I am still the solid piece of flesh that I am.

She's gone.

Yet one more, but so much more...so much more...
What do I do? Where do I go? How must I flow? How? How?

I love you. Wherever you are. My Other. My All. ]

Mine to love, mine to hate, mine to let go and vegetate.

To All the Girls I have Loved Before.....

I ADMIT IT. I still love you all.

I will keep at it, I promise. Just that... I am Still Straight.


Unfortunately.

"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it cause if we actually felt it, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your hearts too big."

- R.C. Boys

It just hurts sometimes and you don't know why. This itch that becomes a raw scraping wound. So you put ice on it and wait for it to die down. It doesn't hurt then. But you know. You just know when the ice melts and its back again.

I can't stop loving, but. I tried. Truly I did. But I can't. So this here is my state. I am.

Marital Honours...

So the health is sort of confining me to my room nowadays. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to learn that the mother is taking great advantage of it and decided to add me to a matrimonial website. Yes Yes, Rimi has had a lot to say about the matrimonial thingy. I call that.... household hazard. Every Sunday morning my mother sits down in front of any Bengali newspaper and peruses with a magnifying glass through the columns. No joke, she uses a MAGNIFYING GLASS.

Anyway, the benefits of websites have come through and the search has gone online. Here are a few samples.

The Virgin.

"Hi to all. This is the first time I am here. Well describing myself is a difficult task for me especially here but in short I am a simple guy with simple values but extremely ambitious in terms of my career and regarding my life partner I want a simple, nice girl with little values and who could be my best friend before my second half."

We shall await the second half. Picture abhi bhi baaki hai mere dost.

The Beautificator.

"Regarding family background, father retired IFS officer, mother expired when I was only 12, two elder sis, one married. Do not have any bad habbits. i do smoke and drink occasionaly. Seeking for a life partner with whom i can share my thoughts and offcourse love. I am a very lovable type of a person , I think u will admire me more when u will meet me. I am very down to earth like a person. Hoping for a right match. She dont have to be beautyful but I desire my wife to be beautyful from heart."

Offcourse you shall get someone. Just not me. I am not beautyful from heart. I have lungs and gobs of fluid in it. Cholesterol-pressurizes the area where my heart once was.

The Gardener

"Looking for someone who has some aim in life, that may be towards the ultimate growth of her life. "

By God, dil garden garden ho gaya....

"Hi, good to see u watching my profile. i beleive that word's can never describe any one's personality b'cause their is vast difference bt'wen a language and emotions. i dont have any specfic hobbies at present but ussualy i like to go on long drives,have north indian or mughal dishes and gaze at the sky.I am tall, wheatish & handsome Ha.Ha ha...not at all. My Preference : i have no preferences as such except that our wavelength should match."

All right, this is All India Radio combined with an astronomer. I do claim that I have been guilty of stargazing at times.... generally at three in the morning when the world is asleep and I am missing my job and feeling hungry because I know that in one part of Kolkata there is someone eating chicken fried rice and running back to work... Ah work! What you made me!

The Soft Threller

"Hello,I am very simple and down-to-earth person.I like reading books(threller),listing music,surfing internet.I am whitesh,slim body type.I think that my life partner would be my best friend and I can create my future plan consulting with her.I am indian citizen by birth.I am not smoking and nither drinking.I have an elder brother brother and no sister.My father is an retired employee and my mother in a govt employee.My elder brother is a businessman and i am a computer programmer working in a software firm in saltlake,kolkata."

I could deal with the brother. I could deal with the slim body type. I cant deal with thrells. Sorry.

The Foodie

"I like reading books, watching Good movies (irrespective of language/country), i trek a lot. I like riding bikes. I like serenity and less crowded place. I own one Electra from enfield company. My complexion is not fair....well...not dark also! i am little overweight. I plan to marry by 2007. I am an Indian. I love to stay in India. My profession has many time tempted me to go abroad but i always humbly and politely avoided those 'opportunities'. Well... i like children. but unfortunately as i am still unmarried and i do not have the 'skill' or 'virtue' (whichever way u like to call) i failed to father any child till date! even failed to impress any girl at the first place. well.... ok, let me confess, i never tried to do so, honestly. I drink, occationally and only with my few old friends. I smoke, only when i am dipressed or down. By family i an not a vegetarian. but i do not eat fish. As my father deceased in my childhood, my mother preferred for veg food. so, from childhood i liked veg food. even now, 20-22 days in a month i take veg food. otherwise, i do not have any taboo for any food. I passed 10th standard from a bengali medium school. then 10+2 from a college in science. i completed my B.Sc (Physics) from CU. Then i completed my MCA from IGNOU. then i joined a software company as a computer programmer. In the year 2004 i left the company and opened my own software development firm. Right now i am in struggling period with my new adventure (read business). I am looking for a female. not male! She must be educated and jovial. and... as much honest as possible. I do not have any prejudices about caste, religion, financial status or any thing. I stay alone with my old metarnal uncle. I cook our food myself. i stay at central kolkata, in an apartment. .... well, thats all for the time being.You should not smoke (preference). If you do not smoke - I will not smoke, even when i will quarrel with my wife! "

This profile began with such promise. Truly at first I wanted to really go through the profile. But then came the food. And then the smoking bit.

The Primitive

"I am looking for a suitable match for me who would adjust to family values and adjust with the family cultures. Should not be too modern"

Boss we are postmodern here.

Yes, my loony bun is fine.

Peepsy's even better, but you better be liking my spunk because I am at the end of my tether here.

Oh, and have I told you how I lost a match?

The prospective In-Laws came to see me at Swabhumi, because they did not believe in conventional things, and wanted to meet me on a NEUTRAL ground. So I went, I had lots of good food on them because I am not supposed to have any according to the house rules and docs. And then I told them, while they were peering in a shop, "Oh I see someone... waitaminute I need to say hi...."

And I escaped, ran and came home. And when they called, because they were wondering where I was... I switched off the cell phone. And when they called the house, I assumed the voice of my mother and accused them of looting me away. They were afraid. Never called back.

Yes I am mad. And mean. And devoid of social graces. Sue me!

Umm.

Well.

I.

Sort of began slowly, but the flow is coming in now. Its been a long, haunting day with miles of melodrama and people banging their heads against the wall (read the wall of this room) and finally I threw up my hands.

Enough, said I.

I stared at my fate and proclaimed it down. Down with the sickness. I am tired of it.

But unfortunately, it is not tiring of me. Its eating my core. Slowly.


On another hand, the parents are being together and the twenty-fifth anniversary has come up and they have successfully drunk-dialed people and as a result I have had to call back and apologize to people who I have no clue about. With the THROAT that seems to me to be eternally sore now.

I hate my house. I want to run away. Someone, get me a Lamborghini and I would. I would also need a driver, so there!!


Lamborghini. I have expensive taste.

Autumn-Cleaning

Dudes and dudettes who visit my blog ever so seldom, I hereby declare I have quit my job. I am, as of now, UNEMPLOYED.


Uh-Oh.


Ah well, I'll look for something else. I am going to. I swear.

Just not now.

The other day I was on a spree..... cleaning spree. And I was going through the junk that I have in my room, that most of my friends declare being Uber-comfy, apart from the great Chu, who begins cleaning within a mile of my room, and I end up losing everything that I have in the room..... Ah the pains of having a girl who loves me but does not love my mess!

Anyway, I revised on what I got myself with the salary I have.... have to analyze it because I have Quit it, and I need a replacement job fast, because Time's a-wasting. Butbutbut.... good news!! I have time to burn, and I have decided to learn how to drive my car.


Um, have you watched Speed? Sandra Bullock?? Let me tell you, I do not intend to drive my car like that. I just want to drive it....

Cars scare me. Like needles. I always wanted a tattoo. Like I wanted to donate blood. But let me tell you, you're watching that needle....that needle that went inside you once and pulled out some blood, go into you GOD-KNOWS-HOW-MANY times inside your skin.

Excuse me while I faint now.

Anyway, so I am left with unemployment, and I know that is going to be a problem soon enough, but hey, what was that Python song again?


Life's a piece of shit.... when you look at it.

For me, probably a piece of shit with a lipstick stuffed in it. With a piece of raw, scraped bone to top.

Sorry, impolite imagery. But have to vent that out sometimes when I realize that it was someone else's problem that eventually got me out of the job I have now. And the worst bit is, I can't do anything. Its all in the rulebook. And I have to follow it.

me me me me

The song goes like that.... I hum it sometimes when my mind stops working, and I stare in front of me at the computer and then pick up the messages blinking on it and save the folder and then delete them because I don't want to go see another face that is going to go away.

Everyone goes away, in the end.

I lie. In this angry mass of burning spirits I float and churn inside, willing to calm but unable to do so... willing to give in but unable to run out of my molten spirits.... I am like the lava that erupts and pours through, the bile, the unbearable lightness of being in nothingness.

Will you carry all? My empire of dirt??

And I forgot the words, but the essence is still there. The essence is there in the short spurts of enthusiasm, the childish outstretch towards something.... something. But I find nothing. I see nothing. I feel nothing.

NO Thing is. But what is not?

The people I know nowadays....

Bimbabati = a charming adorable piece of ulikimittichhanalebaba who can twirl the world around her little finger and smugly proclaim "Hnu Hnu bawa".... and well, I guess she can, because this little midget has to be the littlest atom bomb that has hit the mind-zone of Panu. I proclaim her, in charming adoration, the female form of Puss-in-Boots a la Antonia Banderas.


Peep = Obsessed with her bottom and upper and lower body and other numerous bits and pieces of her mind and soul, I often lose myself in the world she creates in her words.... needless to say, I was one of those hapless victims who cried herself to sleep in the middle of the night because of her farewell post to JUDE. Other victims include the Babel, Sukanya, and the Fish (this is another fish, not the BABEL, I repeat, NOT THE BABEL).

Rimi = A blogger with an attitude problem (at this point I expect Insults, complaints and bricks, but shall not waver from the point) who claims she is the calamity Jane of Kolkatan JUDEan scene.... she holds the Sapphic cup of warm tea in her left hand and a nice bar of Mars dangles from the right. Believes in almost anything, from psychic mindfucks to weeping wombats... she comes to me on a summer dream, and I sort of bask in her glory.

And then,

Kaichu = a population all by herself, she defines and defies explanation and makes my head swim with her ability to speak nonstop for god-knows-what-hours in the middle of the night when I face with the horror of a load-shedding. She is to me what Eve is to Adam, my original SIN.

To the humble reader, KAICHU is mine, and the aforementioned three creatures who are wonderous and beautiful are rather late in pursuit, for I have given Kaichu a ring. And here I say it, I don't expect fidelity, but I do expect a feel.

This Image.

Need I say more?

And then....

Gloop. Gloop.



The world has folded upon itself. And it makes a sound something like this.


I took it from Equal Rites. Pratchett is the Saviour.





He really is.