A Liar's Guide to the Dreams..

In the dead of the night, the dreams come in one by one. They cling to you with soft acceptance, and they know it all..

These are the dreams which leave a note of remembrance. They cling to our tongues like a bittersweet delight.

They feel familiar, though their flavour melts in the mouth... and taste distinctly unusual.

December 24, 2011

I now Remember

Why I considered forgiveness a sin. I realized that I hurt like the lesser mortals whose queries I used to solve and whose thoughts I used to touch. I realized I bled, I realized I felt, I realized that ultimately this was all about me, me and me, and no one else.

Once more with feeling.

Again here it is, and I stand here. A writer creates out of misery, I created out of boredom, sadness, grief and often enough, wonder. I somehow have lost that sense of enchantment. Maybe time has eroded those wide eyed daze from my eyes and left me blinking in the light... light which is perhaps too harsh for me to handle, and so I leave for the dark.

The forest and the glades and the seas of my memories beckon me. I often think of losing myself there. I remember seeing a lot of those people I love, loved, miss, missed, need, needed in them, and I know, they are all mine to keep. Those little memories and patches of glory are mine, all mine, and no, I will not share.

It is with this spirit I wish myself adieu for now. It is time for me. A lot of times I have realized that the concept of death is both physical as well as mental. However, death to me is revival and renewal, and yes, once again, I am renewed. The mortal me is dead once again and risen from its own ashes, unforgettable and often quirky, with a new face to hide behind, and a new challenger who would try to take it down.

Dare I disturb the universe? I dare?

In the lands of my dreams, and the forests of my wanting, dare is all I have left of this game, and so I shall be. 

August 16, 2011

I hoard these moments...

Because I know that I cannot hold them to me and make them a series of memories which I can relive. I cannot, and I accept that. Maybe, in this fraught hour as I look back and see the faces and the stories and think, I believe that I can perhaps be more forgiving to myself for my many lapses, and to others for theirs. 

June 19, 2011

Day 30: Your Favourite Song At This Time Last Year

This time last year I was going through a weird phrase with Chris Brown in it.

June 17, 2011

Day 28: A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty

This song often does. I associate it with something that perhaps only one other person in the world would understand.

Bangla - Tomar Ghore Boshot Kore Koyjona

June 15, 2011

Day 26: A Song That You Can Play On An Instrument

I can Proudly say I can play this with a Harmonium.

Harano Sur - Tumi Je Amar. 

June 12, 2011

Day 23: A Song That You Want To Play At Your Wedding

If I have a choice, then I want this song to play at my wedding. With my luck, I will probably get Bismillah Khan er sanai er recording.

It will be "Hai Hai Saat Paake Bnadha poiro na" by Angshuman. I could not find the song in Youtube. 

June 10, 2011

Day 21: A Song That You Listen To When You’re Happy

Out of all the Songs, this one gives me joy! 

Owl City - Fireflies.

"I'd like to make myself believe,
The planet earth turns, slowly..."

June 08, 2011

Day 19: A Song From Your Favourite Album

This is possibly one of the first albums I got because I adored this song.

I used to know all the words to this song. Baba Sehgal. Dil Dhadke. My first proper crush.

June 07, 2011

June 06, 2011

June 04, 2011

June 03, 2011

Day 14: A Song That No One Would Expect You To Love

Actually, no one knows I like Jigoku Shoujo, or the fact that this song is my favorite.

Sakasama No Chou  - Blue (Jigoku Shoujo Opening Theme)

June 02, 2011

Day 13: A Song That Is A Guilty Pleasure

This song is something that I personally am humming on and on constantly. Yes, I am slightly ashamed of my taste.

Appadi Podu.

June 01, 2011

Day 12: A Song From A Band/Artist You Hate

I don't like her because there is something deeply insincere about her though everyone claims otherwise.

Shoot me. I hate Doris Day.

May 31, 2011

Day 11: A Song From Your Favourite Band/Artist

Because you are you. Because I am in love with you. Because I saw my first celebrity wet dream about you.

Jay-Z. 99 Problems.

May 30, 2011

Day 10: A Song That Makes You Fall Asleep

This song has always done the job.

Radiohead - Creep

Day 9: A Song That You Can Dance To

This song is my favorite, and has been a favorite for a long time.

Masti Pabi Ore Paglu...

May 29, 2011

Day 8: A Song That You Know All The Words To

I know all the words to this song -

Eminem - The Real Slim Shady

Kids, this is for you.

May 28, 2011

May 27, 2011

Day 6: A Song That Reminds You Of Somewhere

This one is a cliché, but it DOES remind me of one of my favorite places.

Hey Jude - The Beatles

May 26, 2011

Day 5: A Song That Reminds You Of Someone

This song reminds me of someone who I loved very very much once. In 2007 and 2008, I remember looping this song over and over again, because I was thinking of him all the time and worried about him constantly. I am happy I no longer am into that vicious circle of thought.

Ei Raat Tomar Amar - Deep Jele Jai

May 25, 2011

Day 4: A Song That Makes You Sad

I think there are a lot of songs that can make me sad. But I remember listening to this song and shedding tears and my driver watching me with disbelieving eyes before saying (equally tearfully) if he had done something wrong.

Well, its this song. Euphoria's Mehfuz.

May 24, 2011

Day 3: A Song That Makes You Happy

You know, there are plenty of songs that make me happy. I think that one of the best things about songs is the fact that it can actually put me in a better mood just by being there. This one is for all those people who made me happy.

Benny Lava Song

Have you been high today??

May 23, 2011

Day 2: Your Least Favourite Song

I could not, would not, and DO NOT like this song. It gives me the heebie jeebies. And especially when it was sung by a friend of mine, I was made to listen to it. Yikes!

Arnab - Shantona


May 22, 2011

Day 1: Your Favourite Song

Awwww.... this is the most difficult thing. But I shall post the first one that came to my mind as soon as I thought "My Favorite Song Is..."

Poets of the Fall - Carnival of Rust

Perhaps its just me, but it is perhaps the most perfect description of beauty in the name of a song.

Someone wrote this in the Youtube comments section.

"Meaning of carnival of rust"

Someone Touches your heart , Revives you , 'n finally leaves you without any attention.

And why she leaves you ? 'cos She had found herself a new toy , 'cos she had been tricked by worthless , but shiny Pelf , presented by devils masquerading as angels... AND LEAVES HER REAL LOVER ALONE...

This is a fate... A fact ... we are all losing ourselves in this bare night..

The thirty day Song Meme

Thank You Mandykitty, I am taking this from you.

This list of post goes out to the other bloggers who are doing this for the next thirty days. In my world, it is very difficult to find out which song I love the most or hate the most, but I definitely know what songs stick to me. The thirty day meme consists of 30 songs, and you have to put them up every day for the next 30 days. And possibly let others know some memories about the song and what is the reason you like it, if you like it. I hope some people take the time to read this long-forgotten blog, and do this themselves.

Yes, this means YOU, if you are reading this.

The thirty day meme =

Day 1: Your Favourite Song
Day 2: Your Least Favourite Song
Day 3: A Song That Makes You Happy
Day 4: A Song That Makes You Sad
Day 5: A Song That Reminds You Of Someone
Day 6: A Song That Reminds You Of Somewhere
Day 7: A Song That Reminds You Of a Certain Event
Day 8: A Song That You Know All The Words To
Day 9: A Song That You Can Dance To
Day 10: A Song That Makes You Fall Asleep
Day 11: A Song From Your Favourite Band/Artist
Day 12: A Song From A Band/Artist You Hate
Day 13: A Song That Is A Guilty Pleasure
Day 14: A Song That No One Would Expect You To Love
Day 15: A Song That Describes You
Day 16: A Song That You Used To Love But Now Hate
Day 17: A Song That You Hear Often On The Radio
Day 18: A Song That You Wish You Heard On The Radio
Day 19: A Song From Your Favourite Album
Day 20: A Song That You Listen To When You’re Angry
Day 21: A Song That You Listen To When You’re Happy
Day 22: A Song That You Listen To When You’re Sad
Day 23: A Song That You Want To Play At Your Wedding
Day 24: A Song That You Want To Play At Your Funeral
Day 25: A Song That Makes You Laugh
Day 26: A Song That You Can Play On An Instrument
Day 27: A Song That You Wish You Could Play
Day 28: A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty
Day 29: A Song From Your Childhood
Day 30: Your Favourite Song At This Time Last Year

May 08, 2011

This Post can be called...

The Phoenix. Or someone who rises from her own death, and is reborn through dying.

This is a tale of brushing things off. Things you do not need. Things you refuse to want. Things you should not require.

And I do not require a lot of things in my life which I have gathered through the ages.

April 15, 2011

Other things Kept Mum

This is a tale about a girl who tried to kill herself. And in order to kill herself she decided to create poison at home. Needless to say, I was asked by this idiot, "What is the strongest brand of cigarette that makes you cough up?". I said, after a slight bit of contemplation: "I will tell you later."

Now she had not told me what she was going to do with the cigarettes, did she? Naturally, I told her the brand that I thought was the cheapest, most disgusting and irritatingly filled with more sawdust than the real thing.

Had she told me she wanted to create pure nicotine and eat it to die I would have said something otherwise. But people do not specify nowadays.

I am really sorry M. For me, you had to puke out everything you had eaten for the last few weeks, and you are still burping nicotine. Or what is nicotine flavored sawdust.

And I still cannot believe you mixed it with Horlicks.

But oh well, if you had seen your face when you had the first bite off that Pizza which I got you for being alive. It was a moment to look out for.

April 09, 2011

The Dithyrambos.

I’m dying. It’s a slow death that happens to you, and in this case you wither. You lack, you feel the need to fight but then again, the spirit seems to be outside, forcing you to back down, to cower, to lie down and let your last breath slip away from you. Here, I would not come up and quote Mar-- any Spanish magic realist, and let you know the sorrow I feel. No, I don’t want to pretend, like so many others do, who pass off their own ideas as their grandmothers’ oldest tricks, or tell the world that I am okay. I am not. Not okay. And it is alright for me to admit that. The hurt, the pain and the bitterness is all there. And it does not go away anytime soon. So if you want to believe that it would, then go away from this place and find the happy happy girl with a happy happy world. This world speaks of the unspeakable sadness that is currently coursing through me, and is lost for an outlet.

Death is upon me. Pass me the dirge and a bottle of rum.

March 22, 2011


At this moment it is numbness partly and part hysteria inside me. A part of me cannot still come to terms with the fact that you are gone. Whatever you were, I loved you. With all my soul I did. I don’t apologize for it; neither do I hurt because of it. Truth be told, a part of me will perhaps always love you because it is fated for me to love you. I cannot help but love someone who is so much a part of me that I do not miss you really. Any moment I want to talk to you or be with you I can actually, because I know what you would say or you would do, and all I need to do is believe.

But there is another part of me here. It is that part which initially balked at the thought of going away from you. It was the part which was afraid and tired, a part that hated getting all her fears realized. But then again, it has been done to me over and over again. All the world tells me that there is someone who loves me intensely and I feel it inside me, the bond, that I know would not tear away. We are soul mates, and you know it too. I used to think that all the others were inside me, but you, you have become me and I have become you, and I know that you would not meet, love, or call me because you dare not. We are too narcissistic for each other, my love, because we are each other.

Just as I know now that in some part of this world you exist now. You don’t live, because you cannot live without me, just like I cannot live without you, but existence is there for both of us. We are hurt, torn and sad, but it won’t stop us from knowing that the bond would be there. I would reach inside me and pull you out, and you would pull me out and show me to others, but keep what I really am inside you because you won’t share the real thing with anyone, just as I won’t share the real you with anyone.

This moment, I feel the tie, I feel your call. And I know that with one call I can resolve the issue. But this time I would not call you because if we are fated to be together, then we will. I am strong enough to realize that in this life I will be buffeted by fate, chance and other misdemeanor; a healer’s natural accompaniments.

I am not running away. I am going because I think it will help me heal myself if I go away for a while, and it will heal you too.

Inshallah. If god wills, I will see you, love you and believe in you once again.

February 06, 2011

The Time

Yes, the times are a'changing. I never really realized or appreciated how much times are a'changing, till I checked my blog and saw that nearly six years have passed since I began blogging. I began it with a few JUDEans and I never really paid much thought to what was going in there. It was, truthfully speaking, a place where I made some noise. Because I like Attention. Hence the name Panu. Jaar Maane, if you are a non-Bengali, you would NOT understand.

Its easy for me to leave the blog and go. Very easy. But it is not easy to pick up from a phrase and begin again, which I don't want to do. This blog is not ended here, just an infrequent writer's infrequent visits to a place which stinks of old memories and friends who used to make her happy. Now Panu no longer knows whether those friends come or not.... the comments, the footfall are nearly gone.

Okay, sorry, melodrama. Its just me pouting because no one commented on the last few posts.