Trials.

At this moment it is numbness partly and part hysteria inside me. A part of me cannot still come to terms with the fact that you are gone. Whatever you were, I loved you. With all my soul I did. I don’t apologize for it; neither do I hurt because of it. Truth be told, a part of me will perhaps always love you because it is fated for me to love you. I cannot help but love someone who is so much a part of me that I do not miss you really. Any moment I want to talk to you or be with you I can actually, because I know what you would say or you would do, and all I need to do is believe.

But there is another part of me here. It is that part which initially balked at the thought of going away from you. It was the part which was afraid and tired, a part that hated getting all her fears realized. But then again, it has been done to me over and over again. All the world tells me that there is someone who loves me intensely and I feel it inside me, the bond, that I know would not tear away. We are soul mates, and you know it too. I used to think that all the others were inside me, but you, you have become me and I have become you, and I know that you would not meet, love, or call me because you dare not. We are too narcissistic for each other, my love, because we are each other.

Just as I know now that in some part of this world you exist now. You don’t live, because you cannot live without me, just like I cannot live without you, but existence is there for both of us. We are hurt, torn and sad, but it won’t stop us from knowing that the bond would be there. I would reach inside me and pull you out, and you would pull me out and show me to others, but keep what I really am inside you because you won’t share the real thing with anyone, just as I won’t share the real you with anyone.

This moment, I feel the tie, I feel your call. And I know that with one call I can resolve the issue. But this time I would not call you because if we are fated to be together, then we will. I am strong enough to realize that in this life I will be buffeted by fate, chance and other misdemeanor; a healer’s natural accompaniments.

I am not running away. I am going because I think it will help me heal myself if I go away for a while, and it will heal you too.

Inshallah. If god wills, I will see you, love you and believe in you once again.