Marital Honours...

So the health is sort of confining me to my room nowadays. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to learn that the mother is taking great advantage of it and decided to add me to a matrimonial website. Yes Yes, Rimi has had a lot to say about the matrimonial thingy. I call that.... household hazard. Every Sunday morning my mother sits down in front of any Bengali newspaper and peruses with a magnifying glass through the columns. No joke, she uses a MAGNIFYING GLASS.

Anyway, the benefits of websites have come through and the search has gone online. Here are a few samples.

The Virgin.

"Hi to all. This is the first time I am here. Well describing myself is a difficult task for me especially here but in short I am a simple guy with simple values but extremely ambitious in terms of my career and regarding my life partner I want a simple, nice girl with little values and who could be my best friend before my second half."

We shall await the second half. Picture abhi bhi baaki hai mere dost.

The Beautificator.

"Regarding family background, father retired IFS officer, mother expired when I was only 12, two elder sis, one married. Do not have any bad habbits. i do smoke and drink occasionaly. Seeking for a life partner with whom i can share my thoughts and offcourse love. I am a very lovable type of a person , I think u will admire me more when u will meet me. I am very down to earth like a person. Hoping for a right match. She dont have to be beautyful but I desire my wife to be beautyful from heart."

Offcourse you shall get someone. Just not me. I am not beautyful from heart. I have lungs and gobs of fluid in it. Cholesterol-pressurizes the area where my heart once was.

The Gardener

"Looking for someone who has some aim in life, that may be towards the ultimate growth of her life. "

By God, dil garden garden ho gaya....

"Hi, good to see u watching my profile. i beleive that word's can never describe any one's personality b'cause their is vast difference bt'wen a language and emotions. i dont have any specfic hobbies at present but ussualy i like to go on long drives,have north indian or mughal dishes and gaze at the sky.I am tall, wheatish & handsome Ha.Ha ha...not at all. My Preference : i have no preferences as such except that our wavelength should match."

All right, this is All India Radio combined with an astronomer. I do claim that I have been guilty of stargazing at times.... generally at three in the morning when the world is asleep and I am missing my job and feeling hungry because I know that in one part of Kolkata there is someone eating chicken fried rice and running back to work... Ah work! What you made me!

The Soft Threller

"Hello,I am very simple and down-to-earth person.I like reading books(threller),listing music,surfing internet.I am whitesh,slim body type.I think that my life partner would be my best friend and I can create my future plan consulting with her.I am indian citizen by birth.I am not smoking and nither drinking.I have an elder brother brother and no sister.My father is an retired employee and my mother in a govt employee.My elder brother is a businessman and i am a computer programmer working in a software firm in saltlake,kolkata."

I could deal with the brother. I could deal with the slim body type. I cant deal with thrells. Sorry.

The Foodie

"I like reading books, watching Good movies (irrespective of language/country), i trek a lot. I like riding bikes. I like serenity and less crowded place. I own one Electra from enfield company. My complexion is not fair....well...not dark also! i am little overweight. I plan to marry by 2007. I am an Indian. I love to stay in India. My profession has many time tempted me to go abroad but i always humbly and politely avoided those 'opportunities'. Well... i like children. but unfortunately as i am still unmarried and i do not have the 'skill' or 'virtue' (whichever way u like to call) i failed to father any child till date! even failed to impress any girl at the first place. well.... ok, let me confess, i never tried to do so, honestly. I drink, occationally and only with my few old friends. I smoke, only when i am dipressed or down. By family i an not a vegetarian. but i do not eat fish. As my father deceased in my childhood, my mother preferred for veg food. so, from childhood i liked veg food. even now, 20-22 days in a month i take veg food. otherwise, i do not have any taboo for any food. I passed 10th standard from a bengali medium school. then 10+2 from a college in science. i completed my B.Sc (Physics) from CU. Then i completed my MCA from IGNOU. then i joined a software company as a computer programmer. In the year 2004 i left the company and opened my own software development firm. Right now i am in struggling period with my new adventure (read business). I am looking for a female. not male! She must be educated and jovial. and... as much honest as possible. I do not have any prejudices about caste, religion, financial status or any thing. I stay alone with my old metarnal uncle. I cook our food myself. i stay at central kolkata, in an apartment. .... well, thats all for the time being.You should not smoke (preference). If you do not smoke - I will not smoke, even when i will quarrel with my wife! "

This profile began with such promise. Truly at first I wanted to really go through the profile. But then came the food. And then the smoking bit.

The Primitive

"I am looking for a suitable match for me who would adjust to family values and adjust with the family cultures. Should not be too modern"

Boss we are postmodern here.

Yes, my loony bun is fine.

Peepsy's even better, but you better be liking my spunk because I am at the end of my tether here.

Oh, and have I told you how I lost a match?

The prospective In-Laws came to see me at Swabhumi, because they did not believe in conventional things, and wanted to meet me on a NEUTRAL ground. So I went, I had lots of good food on them because I am not supposed to have any according to the house rules and docs. And then I told them, while they were peering in a shop, "Oh I see someone... waitaminute I need to say hi...."

And I escaped, ran and came home. And when they called, because they were wondering where I was... I switched off the cell phone. And when they called the house, I assumed the voice of my mother and accused them of looting me away. They were afraid. Never called back.

Yes I am mad. And mean. And devoid of social graces. Sue me!