26th February. Seven days to Best Friend Getting Hitched.

So there I was, twirling my pen idly and wondering what the hell was this exam for and why was I such an idiot so as to give it? Sitting for it made me realize that I knew nothing of such matters as what is the first "rockumentary"... and stuff like that.

Friggit.

Ah on the other hand.

Have freaked out last night with buddies and generally have been musifucked till the head groaned in protest.

Have had Flury's er Black forest Cake after cocking a snoot to my diet chart, with the chant "50 crunches" rolling around my befuddled head.

Have effectively lost my voice for the umpteenth time due to dust allergy in book fair, because Panu had to go and look at a book called "Sex tips for Straight women from a gay man". ENLIGHTENING. Very.

Have bought four major Tennessee Williams novel for seventy rupees. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, A Streetcar Named Desire and Sweet Bird of Youth has the stills from the film.

Bought my laptop. Own money, apunka pride rules.

Have got best friend her complete wedding cosmetics set. Woman is jumping with joy... because of a promise for a male stripper on her bachelorette party. I NEED a Stripper. Male. Someone who can carry off Black Leather.

Have also got her a brand new peach lace teddy. Future Hubby's expression is what I want to Find Out.


Lots of things.


I Am making lists.

Oh Oh Oh, and have finally decided to get a life. ASAP.

Update: Asked Deep and Iru about the Stripper bit. Both declined.... quite unpolitely that is. Men. They can be so shy sometimes, I tell you.

Hmm. The season changes with misty murkiness, and Panu realizes that her time in JUDE is almost up. Another three months, and she shall be able to put the words M.A. after her name. And be off to the wider world of nasty, annoying superficiality that awaits her star-struck gaze.

So what’s so new about the world that she has not seen already? Now, now, lets not pretend here. Panu has seen the world. She has seen this little universe she inhabits to the minutest details… and experienced and criticized in her mind, analyzing and putting away the bile that has been stored up within, only to vomit them out here, in this particular post she is writing.

No, strangely enough, this is not a bitch post, as her friend Rimi calls them. Panu cannot bitch about people all that much. She really can’t put people down at the drop of a hat, either. That's because Panu believes in looking into a person’s face and telling him/her exactly whom he/she is messing with.

By the way, to tell the truth, bitching does have its advantages and sometimes Panu does indulge it in a bit, but nothing she cannot repeat in the face of the person concerned.

You know what? Lets make this a funny post, filled with nothing in it. I would like to be superficial. I do believe that it takes a lot of depth to be superficial. But to be nasty and superficial, it takes a lot more.

Panu is becoming famous. People are bitching about her behind her back. Wow!! That's like… super good, cause that means, they somehow feel threatened by Panu’s existence. It means, they consider her to be a challenge, and therefore needs to be put down. Panu would like to say that she feels like Shylock, who had to be sent out of the play for all to be better. Or like Feste in Twelfth Night who became steadily numb as “rain it raineth every day”.

What else? All right. This was not a post in defense of me, or an apology for being me, although this might be called by the backbiters both… This is an acknowledgement of me being me. I am, and therefore I am. And I will be me. No changes. I wont change… not become anorexic because my haute friends thinks I should lose 20 kilos right away, not change my attitude though people might think I am slow and stupid… and yes, basically be exactly the way I am, and remain uncaring and unconcerned, and in general the Mary Poppins attitude I do possess.

P.S. this post was to vent the irritation. I hate losers who have nothing else to do but be nasty to others, however learned they might be. Otherwise, I’m cool.

St. Valentine's Day, 2007

In the shadows of broken images

My half-lies become truths

I fight through the valley of darkness

And gain the sordid sense of perfection

That contaminated me. I who am so imperfect,

Unsound, unsung, unheard, must hear

the Voice of those who still live, and wonder

When will my time come?


Its just me. Today, I learnt how to exist

Tomorrow, I just might learn to live.

Just might. But its all in the murky depths,

Where all is lost.

I hope to find it one day, and realize

The glory of this loss, and that fulfillment

Till then, let me lie in peace.