Unki yeh shikayaat hai ke hum kuch nahin kehte,
Unki Yeh shikayaat hai ke hum kuch nahin kehte...
Par apna to yeh adat hai ke hum kuch nahi kehte.
Kehne ko bahut kuch tha agar kehne pe aate,
Kehne ko bahut kuch tha agar kehne pe aate...
Par apni tp yeh adat hai ke hum kuch nahi kehte.
Kuch kehe to tufan utha leti hai yeh duniya,
Kuch kehe to tufan utha leti hai yeh duniya...
Chup rehe toh duniya kehte hai hum kuch nahi kehte....
Ghalib.
You told me lies tonight. Showed me no future. None. I hate you.
I hate you and I love you and I know I can never get over what you mean to me.
If only you knew. If only.
Meandering through the narrow roads to eternity... all falls down. This world is mine. I own it. Worthless shit.
Fringes of hair fall on my face, the whirring motion of the fan irritates me, but I still walk on, move on... never give up. Don't look back. Don't please give me this shit about you caring, because I know you don't give a damn, but I do and that is that.
Question to myself: am I losing in this situation? Am I the biggest, sorest loser born on the face of this sorry-assed universe?
Sadly, yes.
I am. And the tragedy is, I can't even stop it. Or unwind it. Or give up.
I just have to give in.
April 27, 2007
April 16, 2007
No... it is not working
To tell you the truth, I do not know if I am fit to write all this in the state I am in. I have not slept in 23 hours and my eyes feel like they will pop out any moment. But this I can't resist. I know this is not really my forte. I do not know if I do emotions well. My one display of true emotions got turned down as Illogical Psychological Reaction. So there!
But today after we were coming back from Milonda's canteen at JU, I was lagging behind Peep, watching her butt sway slightly, enticingly as she moved like a dancer, and Fish was giving me little, concerned looks behind her back that made her eyes glow in the dusky lamplight... I do not know how often have I seen a scene more beautiful, the sky darkened to an iridescent shade of near-midnight blue, transluscently the dusk fell all around us and I never wanted that moment to end, just stand there and have meaningless chit-chat with the two of them and let the moment continue. But that moment reality called, and I was on the bus to my way home, and on the way I was thinking of the way our farewell in Xavier's went where there were long boring speeches interspersed by Saru pulling on his tie because he was getting sweaty and hot, and Anni's yawns that were never-ending, and Sabby wanting to go to the loo and T S clicking photos. Andro was the rock, sitting beside me and letting me play snake in her cell-phone.
Afterwards we had gone to the little coffee bar where over Nestea and hideously sugarless coffee Anni had suddenly asked, "Achha what do you think about me?" to everyone else. It led to a long discussion about how everyone felt about everyone else and in the end nothing was resolved or said really, just a list of what we liked/did not like about everyone else in the gang was established.
And then there was the time in my school when we were given some glitter powder and asked to sprinkle it over someone else's head and confess whatever we wanted to. I remember wanting to use it on the crush I had, only to find someone else getting there first and being readily accepted. I stood back and let the couple move away, then charged on the Professor whose classes I hated because I was a perpetual mathophobic and he was the worst of the lot....
And then on Friday, I did not quite understand the impact of leaving JU. It was only after I came home and was preparing to go out, I received the full impact of it, and I was suddenly afraid. I hated feeling lost, and it was exactly what I was feeling.
But then, I have regretted my life sometimes, and loved it in moments. And today I was being jerked and thrown virtually everywhere on the bus, and finally I hung on to the window ledge and looked back and wanted to tell all those people whom I have met in JUDE and around JU exactly what they were to me... but I failed to tell them.
I wanted to tell Fish that I would miss her because she is one of the people I care about in JU.... but I forgot.
I wanted to tell Kaichu that I love her, but I was too afraid.
I wanted to tell Rimi to be a bit more responsible in real life, but I wondered if my advice would be welcome or not.
I wanted to tell Mou that people come in all shapes and sizes, and are loved for it. And she too shall be... but she was not there.
I wanted to tell Bimbo that she was the most beautiful little thing in JUDE I have had my pleasure of meeting, but she slipped away.
I wanted to tell Peep that she will always bounce back because thats the way she is... but I was sort of dazzled by her splendour.
And I wanted to tell my agesake to not impart wisdom where it was not required, but I realized that the effort would be too great... and it would not be appreciated at all!
All this, and more. Sometimes, I wonder why I do these things... tell people. But then, I do. I have seen that putting things out in the open tend to make them lose all their importance.
But today after we were coming back from Milonda's canteen at JU, I was lagging behind Peep, watching her butt sway slightly, enticingly as she moved like a dancer, and Fish was giving me little, concerned looks behind her back that made her eyes glow in the dusky lamplight... I do not know how often have I seen a scene more beautiful, the sky darkened to an iridescent shade of near-midnight blue, transluscently the dusk fell all around us and I never wanted that moment to end, just stand there and have meaningless chit-chat with the two of them and let the moment continue. But that moment reality called, and I was on the bus to my way home, and on the way I was thinking of the way our farewell in Xavier's went where there were long boring speeches interspersed by Saru pulling on his tie because he was getting sweaty and hot, and Anni's yawns that were never-ending, and Sabby wanting to go to the loo and T S clicking photos. Andro was the rock, sitting beside me and letting me play snake in her cell-phone.
Afterwards we had gone to the little coffee bar where over Nestea and hideously sugarless coffee Anni had suddenly asked, "Achha what do you think about me?" to everyone else. It led to a long discussion about how everyone felt about everyone else and in the end nothing was resolved or said really, just a list of what we liked/did not like about everyone else in the gang was established.
And then there was the time in my school when we were given some glitter powder and asked to sprinkle it over someone else's head and confess whatever we wanted to. I remember wanting to use it on the crush I had, only to find someone else getting there first and being readily accepted. I stood back and let the couple move away, then charged on the Professor whose classes I hated because I was a perpetual mathophobic and he was the worst of the lot....
And then on Friday, I did not quite understand the impact of leaving JU. It was only after I came home and was preparing to go out, I received the full impact of it, and I was suddenly afraid. I hated feeling lost, and it was exactly what I was feeling.
But then, I have regretted my life sometimes, and loved it in moments. And today I was being jerked and thrown virtually everywhere on the bus, and finally I hung on to the window ledge and looked back and wanted to tell all those people whom I have met in JUDE and around JU exactly what they were to me... but I failed to tell them.
I wanted to tell Fish that I would miss her because she is one of the people I care about in JU.... but I forgot.
I wanted to tell Kaichu that I love her, but I was too afraid.
I wanted to tell Rimi to be a bit more responsible in real life, but I wondered if my advice would be welcome or not.
I wanted to tell Mou that people come in all shapes and sizes, and are loved for it. And she too shall be... but she was not there.
I wanted to tell Bimbo that she was the most beautiful little thing in JUDE I have had my pleasure of meeting, but she slipped away.
I wanted to tell Peep that she will always bounce back because thats the way she is... but I was sort of dazzled by her splendour.
And I wanted to tell my agesake to not impart wisdom where it was not required, but I realized that the effort would be too great... and it would not be appreciated at all!
All this, and more. Sometimes, I wonder why I do these things... tell people. But then, I do. I have seen that putting things out in the open tend to make them lose all their importance.
Sitting here in front of the computer typing down endless lines of my never-ending term paper is hell. I hate it. Thats why sometimes I like typing meaningless lines just to make it better.
I got a few saved.
Heroic and-tic-lime-axe. (Macbeth)
More for gits, hmm? (Samson Agonistes)
Eminem and unconscious souls of Eliot perhaps shall rule. (The Autobiographical elements in Rap term paper)
Growing up, I had nose-picking moments. (Araby - James Joyce)
Ewes might not have udders. Who is to know? (erm, King Lear)
Fandays should be made. ( Grateful Dead presentation )
Porlock and Kubla are on simultaneous planes. (No prizes for guessing)
Quite western frontiers are never true. (Strangely, this is the English Patient )
Ah well... on the other hand, Mortification is the dish of the day. In fact it has been the dish for the last three days.
I got a few saved.
Heroic and-tic-lime-axe. (Macbeth)
More for gits, hmm? (Samson Agonistes)
Eminem and unconscious souls of Eliot perhaps shall rule. (The Autobiographical elements in Rap term paper)
Growing up, I had nose-picking moments. (Araby - James Joyce)
Ewes might not have udders. Who is to know? (erm, King Lear)
Fandays should be made. ( Grateful Dead presentation )
Porlock and Kubla are on simultaneous planes. (No prizes for guessing)
Quite western frontiers are never true. (Strangely, this is the English Patient )
Ah well... on the other hand, Mortification is the dish of the day. In fact it has been the dish for the last three days.
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