A Liar's Guide to the Dreams..

In the dead of the night, the dreams come in one by one. They cling to you with soft acceptance, and they know it all..

These are the dreams which leave a note of remembrance. They cling to our tongues like a bittersweet delight.

They feel familiar, though their flavour melts in the mouth... and taste distinctly unusual.

April 16, 2007

No... it is not working

To tell you the truth, I do not know if I am fit to write all this in the state I am in. I have not slept in 23 hours and my eyes feel like they will pop out any moment. But this I can't resist. I know this is not really my forte. I do not know if I do emotions well. My one display of true emotions got turned down as Illogical Psychological Reaction. So there!

But today after we were coming back from Milonda's canteen at JU, I was lagging behind Peep, watching her butt sway slightly, enticingly as she moved like a dancer, and Fish was giving me little, concerned looks behind her back that made her eyes glow in the dusky lamplight... I do not know how often have I seen a scene more beautiful, the sky darkened to an iridescent shade of near-midnight blue, transluscently the dusk fell all around us and I never wanted that moment to end, just stand there and have meaningless chit-chat with the two of them and let the moment continue. But that moment reality called, and I was on the bus to my way home, and on the way I was thinking of the way our farewell in Xavier's went where there were long boring speeches interspersed by Saru pulling on his tie because he was getting sweaty and hot, and Anni's yawns that were never-ending, and Sabby wanting to go to the loo and T S clicking photos. Andro was the rock, sitting beside me and letting me play snake in her cell-phone.

Afterwards we had gone to the little coffee bar where over Nestea and hideously sugarless coffee Anni had suddenly asked, "Achha what do you think about me?" to everyone else. It led to a long discussion about how everyone felt about everyone else and in the end nothing was resolved or said really, just a list of what we liked/did not like about everyone else in the gang was established.

And then there was the time in my school when we were given some glitter powder and asked to sprinkle it over someone else's head and confess whatever we wanted to. I remember wanting to use it on the crush I had, only to find someone else getting there first and being readily accepted. I stood back and let the couple move away, then charged on the Professor whose classes I hated because I was a perpetual mathophobic and he was the worst of the lot....

And then on Friday, I did not quite understand the impact of leaving JU. It was only after I came home and was preparing to go out, I received the full impact of it, and I was suddenly afraid. I hated feeling lost, and it was exactly what I was feeling.

But then, I have regretted my life sometimes, and loved it in moments. And today I was being jerked and thrown virtually everywhere on the bus, and finally I hung on to the window ledge and looked back and wanted to tell all those people whom I have met in JUDE and around JU exactly what they were to me... but I failed to tell them.

I wanted to tell Fish that I would miss her because she is one of the people I care about in JU.... but I forgot.

I wanted to tell Kaichu that I love her, but I was too afraid.

I wanted to tell Rimi to be a bit more responsible in real life, but I wondered if my advice would be welcome or not.

I wanted to tell Mou that people come in all shapes and sizes, and are loved for it. And she too shall be... but she was not there.

I wanted to tell Bimbo that she was the most beautiful little thing in JUDE I have had my pleasure of meeting, but she slipped away.

I wanted to tell Peep that she will always bounce back because thats the way she is... but I was sort of dazzled by her splendour.

And I wanted to tell my agesake to not impart wisdom where it was not required, but I realized that the effort would be too great... and it would not be appreciated at all!

All this, and more. Sometimes, I wonder why I do these things... tell people. But then, I do. I have seen that putting things out in the open tend to make them lose all their importance.


madhurima said...

oh!!! honey..a *nig warm hug*
we all go through this.. dont we?
remember the last day at PM's? it was raining like cats and dogs...
i remember it so well... then came the college farewell and then again i had to leave a country...

fucked up.. we all.. aren't we???
drifting and receding.. drifting and receding...
well!! this is life and some people just remain same.. just the same..standing there..

Anonymous said...

Nono, it was muchly appreciated; people tell me that all the time :P The woes of imparting nonsense is one forgets when is a good time or not a good time for pseudo-wisdom; so I do it all the time. Which *sigh* is not a good thing and probably miffs people more than a bit. But hug to you, and hope you will not forever hate me.

Take care you.

Your Agesake

rainbeau_peep said...

Sometimes putting things in the open builds bridges. But only sometimes.
Having said that- mairi? Prothhomoto, chhotobela theke you have obsessed about my ass. Mota boley ki manush noi naki amar ei 7ta na 5ta na 1tai chhapu? Dwitiyoto, bounce to korboi. Football-era bounce korei thhake. Othhocho, erom bouncing flouncing er kotha uthchhe kyano? [is this something to do with ur uncanny talent for palmistry, na do i really come across as manic depressive?] ki chinta'r bishoy. bey hobe na jey!

panu said...

you dont come across as manic depressive, and I think you get my general drift but you are being deliberately obtuse.

Btw, ami tor bum ta dekhlei, Sir Mix-a-lot er 'Baby get Back' gaanta gungun kori. No can do.

Am shamelessly mortified that I am obsessed. Btw, tor bey hobe. Ekkere!

panu said...

Btw, the previous post of mine was all for Peep.

@anon - I dont hate you. I wish I could have known you proper. There is a particular similarity between us, despite the oddities... we both hide out a lot. I dont know, but perhaps I might be wrong. Perhaps.

@Maddy - You know baby, you reminded me of sadder shits. Now I am gonna cry.

kaichu said...

"I wanted to tell Kaichu that I love her, but I was too afraid."

how, when you have done so, over and over again, in so many different ways? words are superfluous most of the time, don't pay them much patta.... i know, have known, for a long time now. and you do, as well.

but i'll say this, because i want to... i'm GLAD you left Xavier's and joined JUDE, otherwise we might not have met, and that's a scary thought.

panu said...

I sometime think the same thing as well.

Nothing Too Fancy said...

will miss you.

Anonymous said...

@ fancy - Yeah. I know. I am still a miss, though.

Regards, Ze Panu

good morning, midnight said...

Shaali, emon thabda marbo na, khali sentu dei. *weeps in a corner*

You with your always open arms and even bigger heart, stay in contact, okay? Or I'll slaughter you. And I sometimes think that no one could be more loved, more cherished, than I've been by all of you.

panu said...

I will. I will. I love you basically... and if I am giving senti, wait until you read Rohini's blog. I howled in the middle of the night... and ma jharofied me like hell.