Its like watching it happen another time.

I am standing in the sidelines.... watching this happen. I am watching this happen. I cant believe this is happening but I am still watching, in horrified fascination. Its like watching someone rape me. Its like that. But its not just that.

The rape is a non-consensual act of violence where the subject is objectified. But what if the object is in another plane where she/he fails to understand what is happening to her/him, just let it happen, and watch as she/he is being raped from somewhere within the self where nothing, no one can approach her, touch her, understand her?

There's the rub.

I watch. Its always been like that. A watch. A look out. Out from the world within, like the mermaid watching from within the sea the spirit beyond. The mermaid wanted others to understand her but she could not. Her voice at the world of reality was snatched away. She was frozen on the spot, watching it happen to her.... where reality robbed her out of her speech. She became the ultimate puppet, played by the hands of reality... and she escaped to the sea because she realized the empathy of the enclosure...

Huzur aap ki khwahishon meri ruh chum kar gayi hai...

Aap ke nigah mere dil me chubhe,

Zaalim bewafaa, ekbaar mur ke dekh mujhe

Na jaane tere pyaar me kab hum barbaad ho gaye.

The other day we were at Kaichu's place..... me, Dhruva, Kaichu and Rimi....... bloggers all. Rimi sat daintily on the sofa, her legs positioned in a suitably ladylike manner, raised her left eyebrow at a pointed forty-five degree arc and declared : "How can you sit like That!!"Puzzled, I looked down at my legs. There they were, spread at a dedicated posture of going nowhere, indicating my relaxed mode. I knew it offended her inbred convent-educated manners to sit like that, but when you have spent all your life around people who have made indifference an art, the remarks are remarkably easy to ignore, though the inbred sense of always having to explain your action forces this post on me.

And then we were lying down, and talking about "Stuff".... and I was in this haze.... [dare I call it purple??] the light from outside that came after all the lights were switched off and we were immersed in a twilight zone, and Dhruva as trying to tell us horror stories. After a while Kaichu sort of threw up her hands, looked and sounded adoringly like Mamie in Tom and Jerry and we knew we got to her.

Deep in the night we had met the Peep who had been asking us to gatecrash her party in the politest manner possible, and downing Black Dogs straight up. In the process, she left her cell phone in Kaichu's hand and later on had to be reminded of it over and over again.

And barely an hour before that, the Sandman, who was with us at Sharma's Dhaba, where we were downing Chicken Tangri Masala with Garlic Naan (Ah, a slice of heaven right down here...), was telling us his story, how he has lived alone for the last few years, and we were listening and as I was thinking........ Oh, to have that life back again, the days when I was twenty one, and as impressionable as him.

And even before, we were at Princeton, listening to a bad band play, and Pablo was sitting with me and we were discussing the times that bind us now.Another year is about to pass.

I grow old, I grow old.

Posting from a Place.....

As I write, I can see my time running out on me.... I have around 10 minutes to go before my break ends so I better finish fast.

I miss our old trainers... This room gives me the chills.... I miss Abhik, i miss Vivek and I miss Prateek. I met Prateek today... He looked strained. He identified me at the gate (because I had forgotten my own ID) and let me enter Wipro. I dont know why but I felt sorry for the poor guy.... Imagine, having to leave for Hyderabad on a few day's notice.... If I had a chance, I would hit on the decision maker's head and make him see sense.... That will teach him a lesson not to interfere in other people's business.
Driftwood. That sort of takes care of this post's issue. I miss home sometimes.... home is not home anymore. There are so many different things that I miss nowadays............. the crowd of JU, the people who used to be with me.... Andromeda and others.... and then I miss Sir, and Kaichu.
This sounds so desperately like a testimonial on the number of misses. But I do. I miss them, I miss them.... I really wish I could stop missing them.... but I cant. I cant believe that there was a time when I would spend hours in the end with people I loved, talking and laughing and having a gala time with them. Now I just go to sleep and remain thankful when I am not awake because some dumb idiot has called me in the middle of the night (which is basically three o'clock in the afternoon and therefore a godly hour for the rest of mankind )....
Anyway, there are things that I remember, when I go for breaks I do believe I wish sometimes I see Andromeda, from across here to the godawful place she works at..... But I wish her happiness. Because if this is what she wants, this is what she would have.
Momentary glimpses from a past life sometimes haunts me.... I feel paralyzed when I am suddenly attacked by a vision of Sandy quietly laughing as A Lal poked fun at Queen, and Bohemian Rhaphsody.... or ADG looking contemplatively at a copy of Antigone and just scratching his brow with the adorable "I dont know where my dog is, and I have no clue what the Anti Bitch's problem was.... And I think I am stuck at this terrible Miasma that is haunting me just as badly as the Choerephorai...." expression.
Ah, those Sophocles classes where Babel used to enter around fifteen minutes after the class had begun, and ADG smiling at her and giving her an indulgent "I know where you came from... and I really wish I did not but I do" smile and told her to sit with an imperial nod.... I felt like going "ZEUS! O Lord of Lords!!!" everytime he did that.... he had such an impact.... it was like a bolt of lightning. I might even compare him to Thor.
And Tintinda, dear Tintin da.
The name... the name...
I felt Loki.
Perfect. He is the ultimate mischief maker. I read Sandman the other day. I felt Tintinda in Loki. I felt Loki in Tintinda.
And sometimes I wonder what will I call myself. Delirium? Delirium is apt. I dont know where I am going and I dont know where I came from. This mind remains in a perpetual state of blankness, a state of numbness. I live in presence. Am I suffering from Permanent Cathartic Effect (PCE) ??
Dearly departed souls of this mortal cloth, I do feel for those who are lost, those who are gone to a different frame, and is lost in translation. I feel for you because the fallen IDOLS all turn to dust in the end... everything is lost, everyone is emptied of their own selves, and they follow the path... the path they think is shown but is actually something they have chosen on their own.
Everyone makes choices. All the choices are actually made for them, but they make them anyway. And with each choice they move forward, look forward, while living in their past, because every moment is a living history, a thing of the past the moment they are created. The illusion is perfect... we actually live in the past but look before. And we pine for what is not.
Maddy. My Maddalena, my Madeline, my Mado....
The other day I felt the warm tang of the morning breeze and I felt your smile with it. My sunshine, my glory, a love I love.... She believes in goodness. And she shatters just a little more as her belief is taken apart at the seams and torn. Like wings from a fragile moth. And she is as attracted to the hypnotic rays of light as the moth.
Which reminds me of someone who is better not named. Like Voldemort, he is to be left in the dark... Let him be the soul of this particular post. He colours the edges of the text... In spirit, he supplements the vermouth... caustic but succulent, leaving a bitter-sour-sweet aftertaste in the mouth and something that I really cannot define... A sense of denial? I hoped to become friends. I do not know now whether we are... foolish, thoughtless comments break the tender bonds we humans forge with threads of recognition of the pain that we all face and overcome, and face and face again.

I end here. It is a good time to end this particular post which brims with nostalgia, that beckons me towards the momentary need to forget oneself... we long to be in nothingness, and our longings often are realized.

me me me me

The song goes like that.... I hum it sometimes when my mind stops working, and I stare in front of me at the computer and then pick up the messages blinking on it and save the folder and then delete them because I don't want to go see another face that is going to go away.

Everyone goes away, in the end.

I lie. In this angry mass of burning spirits I float and churn inside, willing to calm but unable to do so... willing to give in but unable to run out of my molten spirits.... I am like the lava that erupts and pours through, the bile, the unbearable lightness of being in nothingness.

Will you carry all? My empire of dirt??

And I forgot the words, but the essence is still there. The essence is there in the short spurts of enthusiasm, the childish outstretch towards something.... something. But I find nothing. I see nothing. I feel nothing.

NO Thing is. But what is not?

BILE

Bile.

Bile rises sometimes... from the innards that you took for granted. At the mess.

You rage. You fight against it coming out. You hate yourself for the mass of acidic sick erupting from your bowels, shooting out of your mouth. But you say it. You go ahead and throw the sickness at the world and revel in the pleasure of numbness inside your mouth.


And then you see a little girl playing in the gutters. The girl has pushed her arms through a polythene packet's handles, and the packet balloons out behind her... the illusion it gives.... it looks like wings. White wings.

And the girl's happy.

And all is well again. You go from place to place, stumble from block to block and falsely smile.

You tell people you adore how much you adore them, and then they tell you you look hurt.

What have I done, my sweetest friend???


Its all a mess, I tell them. All a lie. A big sham, and its just the beginning.

And someone looks over, from high and low, from all sides, including the inside, and smiles, and smiles, and smiles some more, because thats all there is to it.

You save the bile inside that smile. And one day it erupts with a little whimper of pain, and then it gushes.

The Last Resort....

Cut my life into pieces,

This is my last resort,

Suffocation, no breathing,

Dont give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding...

-------------- Last Resort - Papa Roach

And that was the way it began. Those who don't know what I am talking about, today saw Cassini's Division play at Someplace Else for the last time. The management was quite happy with their decision of not renewing their contract, because who wants to see a bunch of people headbang and mosh and jump off speakers and throw beer bottles around and empty the ashtray over other's head?

No respectable Starry, Classy hotel does.

Today I came back from work early. I had a few things to settle before I headed for the gig. The final one. My friend M told that this would be the last, so I came to pay respect. It was something that I had to do.

It was a cold day in December 2006 when I first heard Cassini's Division play. I was at the place for barely twenty minutes, but I found myself nodding my head to the beat, and when my friend Heathcliffe came back from U.K., I went to rediscover the beat.

And I was hooked from the start, mesmerized, hypnotized by the power that lured me back each time I decided to give up. Fatal Attraction? Yes, perhaps. But somehow, the songs made me feel alive.

Dreary weary bored to death

I'm getting tired of myself

In this bleak suburban hole

Killing my soul

Gotta get away, get away

Find my way out of here

Find that cozy little place, be myself

And dream away the day at night

Disposition saturnine

Dream away my daytime life

Disposition saturnine

---------------Satyr9, Cassini's Division

I told John today... "Fireworks. There should be fireworks today." And they delivered. The world ended with a BOOM, and I was stunned....

Oh my God, the fever! It was a mess, a marvel, a miracle. It began with a little explosion of passion, and then took off from there. The place was jam-packed, all the headbangers near the speakers, and watching as the band took off from one plane and led into realms of surreality... One by one the songs took off... Voivoid, Kryptonite, Caesar, Fake, Smooth Criminal, Higher, Drowning, Story of her life.... The songs flowed.

I was stunned, shattered, weakened, aware. I watched as the show wound down to an end, and then saw Rahul da looking at us... the pride glowing like a glowworm in the night. The lights made his profile stand out sharply, he was magnificent. And what the others could not say, he said it. Music, the Saviour, the soul of beauty, the rhythm of life, the beat of orgiastic, dionysian, uncontrollable, unparalleled beauty that left one with a void, a numbness of utter bliss, where there was nothing, and that was the relief.

And I found someone shed tears because she felt the loss inside her soul; the catharsis, the calm of mind would no longer be found here. She felt the loss, and she felt lost, cast adrift in the storm of life.

And someone else was trying to laugh, to joke, to be herself, and in the end, she gave up and sought comfort in my embrace, too caught up to notice that she did not know me.

And there was someone whose grandmother was dying of cancer, and she was called off to the hospital, and when she came back, it was all over. The show was over.

And someone got hit and bled. But he lived and loved every moment.

And someone was bleeding inside. Bleeding. But he thrived in his misery, and decided to give life another chance.

And someone did not turn up because he realized he could not face the trauma of being left.

And the Jedi watched it all. And he understood, and took care of those who could not look after themselves properly.

All of us... the crowd was all the way with the group, and everyone was caught up in the rhythm, in the beat, in the music that beat against their souls, freeing them, leading them.

In the end, it did'nt matter, despite the pictures taken, and the gig schedule seen. I would miss you people. Because all of you matter. All of you, you know who you are.

And Rahulda, John, Sukantida and Ludoda.

Someplace Else to me was equivalent to Cassini's Division. Now Someplace Else is someplace else. Its a void.

A Knight in the darkness...

There is a Samurai in my acquaintance who is a constant source of love, and aspiration for me.

I am in awe of him.

Sometimes walking down the mossy paths across the narrow bridges inside my being, I suddenly remember that there are fighters who made it, and suckers who did not. Sometimes I have fought, sometimes, I have been sucked in. What always mattered was that I survived. And I am. Surviving.

Its somehow simple once you realize that you can never give up on life. If you do, then it means you have lost yourself, left yourself behind, and given up searching for it. And so you try to find it in death.

WHAT AM I UP TO??

umm job.

JOB.

(job —n. 1 piece of work to be done; task. 2 position in, or piece of, paid employment. 3 colloq. difficult task (had a job to find it). 4 slang crime, esp. a robbery. 5 state of affairs etc. (bad job). —v. (-bb-) 1 do jobs; do piece-work. 2 deal in stocks; buy and sell (stocks or goods). 3 deal corruptly with (a matter).  just the job colloq. exactly what is wanted. make a job (or good job) of do well. on the job colloq. 1 at work. 2 engaged in sexual intercourse. out of a job unemployed. [origin unknown])

Let me review what we have done so far.

Leered at every hunky instructor.... Check.

Played games on our computer (beginner's Minesweeper at 17 seconds... rank one in class, and 0 in Hearts, level 9 in Pacman, and finished board at one go in 9ball, courtesy http://www.techdictionary.com/,).................... DOUBLE Check.

Been to Aquatica on Office tour............... Check

Done Skits and plays...... Check Check

Fed the ducks ..... Check.

Been chased around by ducks and ducklings.... CHECK.

Spent hours and hours in the cafeteria the size of a mall .... yup, check.

Passed our prometric exams ........... Check again

Been to Roxy for an official hangout with people and been hailed up by friends who work at Tantra for free Margheritas ............................. Hic. kCeck.

Am a certified Laptop Technician for world's number one brand in computers............. CHECKMATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wash away the pain....

Come on, dammit!! Heal. Heal me. Heal me.

Motherfucker, heal!! Make me whole again? Where have I healed? Where?

Look, look! It still bleeds here. And here. And here and here and here. They are raw, gaping wounds. Right here. And here.

Look there! Look! There it is. There is the wall. There is the room. There is the silent kingdom you once inherited from your parents. Now you can't even go to sleep in your throne. You close your eyes, and you see nothing. And that is what frightens you.

And I stand here, watching you. I watch you watch me, and I laugh. I laugh at you, I laugh at me. I laugh at us both, because, in the end, we are. We are. And I am.

All the parts of me. They hurt.

Yeah yeah, this blog was getting bored, so it sort of messaged me... Hey, dudette, what about a post?

So there I have to write up something to please him. Panu is getting angry.

I checked this particular site, and I laughed till I fell off the chair... http://houseoffame.blogspot.com/

Extremely funny, I say.

So well, I was supposed to write something or the other. What was it? Oh, yes, You know, so it was Sunday night, and Cassini's Division [Typo corrected, Duchess!!!] was on full blast, and Trina, my friend, suddenly dumped a fistful of cigarette butts on my head. I was damn furious, wanted to poke out her eyes, or at least pull out her eyebrow stud, but Abir, my friend, and partner (who had enough vodka in him to pass off as a Russian) stopped me at it. So I decided to leave the show early, but somehow got late because Munkky was being adviced on the finer points of quizzing. Munkky looked suitably helpless, and ran away as soon as he could.

Abir, looking for the next victim, turned towards me.

"I'm hungry."

I led him towards the general direction of KFC. As we were about to cross the street, Abir spotted a random kid of around 17 wearing a silver hat.

Oh dear.

But the damage was done.

"I hate your hat, Man."

I dragged him off to KFC, and as I was about to order, there was a polite "hehek-khiyuuz-mee-hee-hee" behind us.

And the kid lectured Abir for nearly five minutes on how he was drunk, and thats why this "BEEEG MAN" was letting him go, simply because he had a girl with him. The kid was almost 4 feet 10 inches, and Abir was roughly a feet taller.

Poor Abir. He took it all in, with an insolent "SO?"

And after the kid left, he hung his head in shame.

Oh no, that was the Vodka.

First Day of Job...

Not exactly job, the first two months shall be training..... and well, till now, its going well. I am currently doing my voice training.

Ta-Te-Ti-To-Tu.

Singing in the Rain, anyone?

And the Trainer. Is gorgeous. I am extremely pleased with the hours I can look at his lips moving and imagine...

The Thief

Ah the sound of thunder outside, with the knowledge that some one stole a good 5000 rupees from the room where I was asleep, from right over my head.... literally. I was so in the vestiges of my dreamworld that I did not note when reality stole in and took away fifteen days of suffering's result.

Damn.

My face fell the other day and hit the pavement along with the rest of my body. OUCH!

So then I picked myself up, looked around, quite embarassed... and walked on, and suddenly felt a sharp pain in my left ankle. Again. Damn.


I went home with my leg aching, and sore throat, and the next day I got myself a job.

Nothing fancy, though, but still, a job.

And this is how life goes on... mundane, moral and misogynistic.

I used to call my friends up and they used to tell me that nothing much went on in their lives.... what about me? And me being the one leading the "exciting" life, told them all how weird it was to look outside the window and see the clouds make patterns or something equally normal into something supernatural, out-of-this-place, just to tell them that life is not all about looking at a thing from the angle of a practical, dead vision............. expand your mind, free it, and the rest will follow.

I sound Osho.

But thats it. You have to let go, and see how wonderous this world is... I can fall for it over and over and over again, and realize the beauty of it, and the ugliness, and it fills me up with pleasure to know that I can perhaps tell others and they can convey it to others, and maybe I will be able to spread the message.

And at the moment of enlightening, the sky darkens, and the wind blows, and the earth goes Kaplooweeey.... and thats that.

End of the story, people, move along now.

The people I know nowadays....

Bimbabati = a charming adorable piece of ulikimittichhanalebaba who can twirl the world around her little finger and smugly proclaim "Hnu Hnu bawa".... and well, I guess she can, because this little midget has to be the littlest atom bomb that has hit the mind-zone of Panu. I proclaim her, in charming adoration, the female form of Puss-in-Boots a la Antonia Banderas.


Peep = Obsessed with her bottom and upper and lower body and other numerous bits and pieces of her mind and soul, I often lose myself in the world she creates in her words.... needless to say, I was one of those hapless victims who cried herself to sleep in the middle of the night because of her farewell post to JUDE. Other victims include the Babel, Sukanya, and the Fish (this is another fish, not the BABEL, I repeat, NOT THE BABEL).

Rimi = A blogger with an attitude problem (at this point I expect Insults, complaints and bricks, but shall not waver from the point) who claims she is the calamity Jane of Kolkatan JUDEan scene.... she holds the Sapphic cup of warm tea in her left hand and a nice bar of Mars dangles from the right. Believes in almost anything, from psychic mindfucks to weeping wombats... she comes to me on a summer dream, and I sort of bask in her glory.

And then,

Kaichu = a population all by herself, she defines and defies explanation and makes my head swim with her ability to speak nonstop for god-knows-what-hours in the middle of the night when I face with the horror of a load-shedding. She is to me what Eve is to Adam, my original SIN.

To the humble reader, KAICHU is mine, and the aforementioned three creatures who are wonderous and beautiful are rather late in pursuit, for I have given Kaichu a ring. And here I say it, I don't expect fidelity, but I do expect a feel.

As Time Goes By...

So the last few days have been a whirlwind in motion, what with my never-ending interviews with no luck and the trip to Sikkim and all... *sigh* painful, painful days spent at Oly, sweating and sipping long glasses of alcohol-tinged soft drink drowned in Ice.... and then waiting to get the return tickets confirmed... Ah what extreme life I lead!!

And then the Peep and I over dark darker darkest chocolates discussed the pains of being alive, and how to drown it by getting a tonne of lard and God-knows-howmuch caffeine in our veins in deliciously shaped packages... Ah the horror, the Horror.....

So then I was returning from Cheeni Kum the other day.... The MAN can still run, I say!!!! I was bowled over yet. Somehow a man above 60 should not be allowed to be that sexy. Its just me. I just saw him.

And I was coming back and the auto was amazingly packed, and I had the side seat and was getting all the air on my face, doing Lord-Knows-What to my already unmanageable hair. And I was quite outrageously happy despite my Mother who had come to see the movie with me... and been gushing lyrical over it. So I got down from my auto and what do I realize?

The print on the auto seat was one large picture of Gerard Butler from 300, this one to be precise.




And well, his mouth was open, and I had been sitting on top.


Btw, I shall be imparting erotological wisdom pretty soon so stay tuned to the next light year or so.

"I cried for madder music and for stronger wine,

But when the feast is finished and the lamps expire,

Then falls thy shadow, Cynara! the night is thine;

And I am desolate and sick of an old passion,

Yea, hungry for the lips of my desire:

I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion. "

Dowson knew what its like. When the pain in your gut eats you away and you hide your face against the pillow and scream and cry your heart out but still there is no relief, and you promise to the distant North Star at three in the morning to make you forget.... to heal... but it does not help.


It just does not. Its so pathetic... this sham of indifference that you adapt. "I Do Not----" is such a lie, and your friends listen to you sympathetically but you still feel guilty because half your mind is not there, its been locked away for life, and the effort is so much that you feel drained.

Damn I am being sickeningly pitifully "nyaka"....


So dushhala, I dont bleeding care any longer. I dont think I am all that bad. I am healthy, apart from the ache I have from the Topple... and all, I think I am just fine. I am dancing and boozing and singing and basically my exams are over and I have got myself a JOB. So I am fine. Fine.

Oh me who must have to fight over the Kaichu with The Peep and the Sen. I shalt not chharify ek piece of medini in this.


Kaichu you are MINE, and MINE AND MINE.

There, thats done.



MINE I TELL YOU!!! MILLS AND BOONS KI KASAM!!!


DIBS.

Oh me!! Who saw the bad movie of the year.... and has to fight over the Kaichu and find cash ASAP.

Taaaaaaaa---------g

Peep tagged. I tag others. Just you wait... heathu and cheshire cat.





1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it:


I have one on the forefinger of my right hand. Age 9. An argument that I won against Ma.






2. What is on the walls in your room?


An amazing Poster of Two brown and white puppies dominate my North Wall. One of those puppies have eyes that make me want to do the "BOOCHOO... OOLIKIMITTICHHANALEBABA" to it. My South Wall has a poster of Harry Potter. And there is a bookshelf on that wall that lost a door because of overflow. Knowledge! How heavy it sits sometimes.






3. What does your phone look like?

Its white and pink and violet and blue. Very Girlie. My Dad chose it. Its Nokia, so basically Indestructible (I have tried, trust me) and the only thing that has happened to it after four years of misuse is a little scratch on its cover.






4. What music do you listen to?





All sorts. I am not picky. It all depends on my mood.






5. What is your current desktop picture?





This picture:
Courtesy : Avikda. He is a fabulous artist.



6. What do you want more than anything right now?

Peace. And a Vacation.

7. Do you believe in gay marriage?

I do. As soon as it is legal in India, I am marrying Andro. And Kaichu. And Jane. And D. And Jhumpus. And Maddy.

I think Polygamy is punishable... na?

8. What time were you born?

Bikelbela probably. I forgot. I just know that the day was Bangla Bundh. So my dad and my grandmother had to walk 6 miles to reach the hospital.

9.Are your parents still together?


Yes. I still think they made a mistake, though.


10. What are you listening to?

The Night.

12. The last person to make you cry?

K.

13. What is your favourite perfume/cologne?

Gucci's Envy. Calvin Klein's Contradiction for men. And the smell of roses and Lavender Talc. And the wet khus khus on hot summer days.

14. What kind of hair/eye colour do you like on the opposite sex?

Umm... Hair colour? Eye colour? erm.... I think it depends on the person and suitability.... though long hair turn me on. And piercing.

15. Do you like pain killers?

Can anything kill pain?

16. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

I did ask someone out once, so no, I dont think I am.

17. Fave pizza topping?

Pepperoni and plenty of cheese. And jalapeno peppers and mushrooms and shredded lamb.

18. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?

Chocolates. Dark chocolates dripping with caramel... oozing nougat and more caramel. And a glass of frothy cold machiatto to go with it.

No matter what People thinks of my taste. Dark chocolates, NOUGAT and CARAMEL.


19. Who was the last person you made mad?

I make everyone mad. I am insane, je. But I think the last person I shall make mad will be Panu.

20. Is anyone in love with you?

I wish.

I really do.
There. I does allsorts of stuff. I tag two people, ar parina.