A Liar's Guide to the Dreams..

In the dead of the night, the dreams come in one by one. They cling to you with soft acceptance, and they know it all..

These are the dreams which leave a note of remembrance. They cling to our tongues like a bittersweet delight.

They feel familiar, though their flavour melts in the mouth... and taste distinctly unusual.

December 04, 2005

How to Catch and Kill a Lion

There are several straight methods to kill a lion, and there are several gay ways to kill them. Taken from different sources, my research to catch and kill a lion has proven to be by far the simplest methods of all time. Corbett, eat your heart out, because here are some of the tried and tested methods of catching and killing a lion that beats sitting in the jungle and getting bug-bitten.

Catch the Lion

Teach the lion the significance of tragedy in life and that being born was the biggest Miasma, and that he would soon be singing goat song (dithyrambos) if he lived any longer… after a few more minute of this, the lion will easily come to you and beg for ear muffs. That is a pretty good time to catch it.

· PLATO’S Method
This is for the times when the lion enters a cave. Just put a large stone, block the entrance, and voila! You have caught a lion.

· NEWTON’S Method
Let the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. That implies therefore that you have caught a lion.

· HAMLET Method
Confuse the lion by teaching it the “to be, or not to be” dilemma. While confused, catch it.

· LACAN Method
The simplest methods of all… just make the lion understand that he has lost his signifier. While he is searching for it, just lead him by the mane, promising to lead it to his signifier…

Catch a cat and claim that you have tested its potentials to be a lion, and very soon you will upgrade it into one.

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired. Catch it then.

After the seven easy methods of catching the lion, let us move on to PART II
Killing the Lion

Keep warning the lion “ I’ll Be BACK!!” and kill him any day. The lion will live in fear and die soon of fear itself.

Tell the lion that if it does not die you will leave the ministry. Lion will immediately not want to die, and opposition party will send mercenaries to kill it.

Put the lion in a dark room and make sure the lion does not get sunlight. Light a single candle in the room and keep singing “ROJA JAANEMAN” in his ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

· GOVINDA Method
Dance for six days in front of the lion wearing lime green chaddis with crimson banyaans to weaken it. On the seventh day read the political party speech he gave in Mumbai. The lion will die of shame.

Invite the lion to KOFFEE WITH Ki- I Mean KARAN and Grill it with stupid questions about his failed career till it dies of boredom.

Send a lioness in the forest where the lion lives. Our lion and lioness falls in love with each other. Now send another lioness in the forest. Follow it by another lion. Now first lion loves last lioness, but second lioness loves second lion. The first lioness loves the second lion but the second lion loves the first lion. Now, send a 3rd lioness to the forest and wait for 10 years. You don’t understand, huh? Read it after 10 years, and you wont understand either.

Ask the lion to bowl at you and you bat for 200 balls and score 1 run. Tell the lion you want to score a century. The lion will die of terror and exhaustion.

Link Lion to LADEN and shoot it.

SO there you go, seven methods to catch a lion and eight easy ways to kill it. ENJOY THE LION!!


Phõéníx said...

Hmm...heard you were looking for an invite to the Blab..well..you're gonna have to give one of the moderators your email id...that could any one of...Sudipto, Pradipta, Priyanka, Hrileena or Myself(Sandy) - All UGIII.

panu said...


Anonymous said...

cholable..but not gr8!!
need a panu type method also ;)

Pip Squeak said...

aristotle method: the lion would choose an easier method than begging for earmuffs- he'd just eat you up.

plato: absolute genius! but you might consider throwing a stun grenade inside while you're at it...

newton: go boil your head!
hamlet- lame joke dude.

terminator: ha ha ha. very funny

Mamata Banerjee method: Now that's genius...


Yash Chopra: The lion is in love with bollywood as well no doubt.



Tiny Black Cat said...

forgive me if i'm wrong... but are you sure these are original? i received all these theories (and a few more) as an email forward a couple of months back.

of course i have no clue who the forward originated from :)

panu said...

my God!!! I formulated these theories nearly 4 years back... but I assure you these are mine. (Damn!! Two weeks into webpages and all my stuffs get plagiarised!!) Anyway, I do remember composing this and sending it over to my buddy Abby... If anyone can claim copyright, I am ALL (y)ears...
You Must have got that...Abby's a notorious chatter-inbox.

panu said...

P.S. Pip squeak's Idea of the stun grenade might've better worked on PLATO himself... I am all for consevation myself.

Unjustified Insanity~~ said...

simply amazing!
brilliant :P

Anonymous said...

'tis a pity to call old aristotle tragic all the time,its not his fault that we lost the comic in some burnt down medieval monastery or somewhere in north africa

panu said...

anon = tis the name of the rose, m'lord.